I’m just. I’m not meant to be happy.

No one wants that for me.

I don’t know what to do or how to be or what to pretend to feel or what I even feel anymore other than pain.

All I am now is just a whimpering, empty waste of everyone’s time and energy. No one needs me around.

No one wants me around. No one wants me to be happy, or to even try to make an effort to take a step to do anything that might in some small way result in my happiness.

I still can’t believe that Ben would be this cold. I trusted him so much deeper than anyone in the world. Even after he hurt me. I forgave. I moved on. He said he wouldn’t be just another evil ex. And I believed him.

And that’s the last fucking time I ever trust anyone with anything. Ever again.

All I have left is what’s left of me now. And what’s left of me is a rotting scab of a person that no one gives a fuck or a shit about and who only burdens everyone.

Of all the things I’ve done to hurt him, none of them have I ever not felt 100% like fucking shit for. And I’ve even apologized for “making him” hurt me, when the things he did to hurt me that really fucking hurt me were choices he made, that I shouldn’t have had to apologize for…

I mean. I justified everything he did to me by saying what everyone always says about everything when it comes down to me:

I probably deserved it.

‘Cause I don’t know. Maybe I really am a piece of shit person and maybe all the things I do to try to help others and make them feel better and cheer them up and help them find happiness…. are just tools that they can use against me later to hurt me.

I wasn’t even supposed to be born. No one wanted me. I was an accident. Why not just abort me then, like everyone else? And if not, then why not allow me the “my body my choice” option once I’m old enough to have lived and decided that I’m not really interested in living?

What’s the real difference between me and an unwanted pregnancy? Why is it always someone else’s choice who gets to live and who gets to die?

Maybe that aborted fetus would have grown up to have the best life imaginable. And maybe this fetus grew up to find out that its life would be nothing but shit upon shit over and over again, in a constant turbulent tide, and has now lived through too much shit to have the motivation or desire to keep going.

Why did fetus number one not get the chance to live that awesome life? And why can’t I opt out now that I’ve had my chance and found out what a piece of shit it is?

Always someone else’s choice.

And if I try to opt out, and I fail, everyone flips their goddamn shit and treats me like a freak or an asshole or a crazy person. Like I’ve done something illegal. Like I’m “selfish.”

But I mean… I’m not. Everyone in my life has been selfish with me and used me for their benefit until I ran out of use. And when my usefulness expired, there were always two options… throw me away like the garbage I am, or maybe keep me around. Maybe want me to be happy, regardless of usefulness. Maybe just love me for being a worthless garbage person.

But I’ve only ever been thrown away. So why, this one last time, can’t I just cut out the middle man and save you the trouble? You wouldn’t even have to take out the trash. I’d see myself out.

Why is that not a fair deal?

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