今回木曜日の晩天雨は、雨が降っている。

So, I think I’ve literally been dying from stress. I know it sounds dumb and fake, but the past three days have really shown me that.

The day before the team meeting, I really started feeling like death. And I couldn’t tell exactly why. I kept looking up symptoms, thinking it was either liver or kidneys, but it didn’t seem to be the case, because I’m not having jaundice or really dark death-pee. But I have been extremely behind on sleep, majorly stressed out, and not getting enough to eat because of the constant nausea the stress has brought on.

Turns out, being overworked and over stressed can mess up your gallbladder and give you a lot of the symptoms I’ve been having. I slept for probably 16 hours or so, waking up from time to time in cold sweats to go pee, and/or take in fluids and have some healthy snacks, and now I’m feeling definitely not back to 100%, but also not actively dying, hopefully.

The night before the team meeting, I was laying in bed attempting to sleep ( I didn’t get much because of a bunch of different shit that kept keeping me up, like random credit card charges and also my own stubborn inability to not always be there for people who need me at any hour), and as I was laying there feeling like I wasn’t going to make it through the night, I kept seeing Ivy’s face in my mind, and I broke down.

It was this whole near-death, why-now epiphany that “oh my god. I hate who I’ve been, why was I like this, why was I selfish, why didn’t I value my life?? And why is it the one time I finally realize I want to live, I’m laying here dying??”

I couldn’t stop crying imagining Ivy having to deal with not having me. Because she needs me. Because I understand her better than anyone else and I know her needs and I love her. It was so life-altering… I’m getting choked up again thinking about it. But I did make it through the night, made it to the team meeting, and then randomly, I had my phone visit with her in the evening instead of in the morning, and I barely made it through that without breaking down again because I miss her so much. And I started feeling like death again.

So I went to bed early, feeling like I wasn’t going to make it again. But I did.

Matt woke up early to come check on me before work, so I got up for an hour or so to make some detox tea and eat an apple, and then I went back to bed until probably like 9 or 10 when my mom woke me up to tell my that my grandparents were visiting. And as much as I wanted to keep resting, I really wanted to see my grandparents, so I managed to get up and go out there for a while to visit and push more fluids and I actually had a nice time. I heard my mom actually stand up for trans rights for once and it made my heart happy.

I really wished Matt and Ben could have been here, because a lot of the conversation material made me think of them both, and I missed them more than I realized. But they invited us to come visit tomorrow, so hopefully I can. I would love to get out of the city for a day. But my car is kind of fucked, so… D: shit.

Also, it kind of bums me out that everyone I’ve told about my realization of appreciating my life and wanting to live basically reacted like:

But I honestly don’t know why I’m even surprised anymore.

Also currently sucking is them telling me that I “need” to start taking the lamictal again, and I just like… don’t want to. I’ve felt a lot better without it, and I think it probably contributed a lot to my suicidal feelings. So I’m in a rut because I want my life back and I want my daughter back, but in order to do that, I have to do what they tell me, which is directly putting myself in danger, so, like…. how “bout no?

Jfc.

Why does it always come down to “do what you need to survive, and live in hell, or do what you’re told and drop dead?” I’m so sick of this bullshit. It’s literally what’s fucking taking the biggest toll on my health. Why can’t people just see that? It’s not rocket science.

So yeah. That’s where I’m at today. Hoping some things might change for the better and get me feeling back to 100% again soon. But that also really does depend on everyone else’s ability to kind of fucking actually goddamn respect me as a fucking human being. Like today.

My mom started hassling me about things, basically just all the things she sees me NOT doing, and assumes that, because of that, I do *nothing* which is far from the truth, especially as of late. So I had to have a conversation with her where I firmly explained like “Look. Here’s a huge list of the shit I’ve been doing while you’re not watching.” And she admitted that she doesn’t see what goes on outside her own conscious experience and maybe acts a little too harshly about the few things I don’t do, or don’t do right away. So I’m hoping that that conversation doesn’t get lost in her brain fog and maybe she’ll actually go a bit easier on me from now on, which will be tremendously helpful in my not stressing myself to death.

My grandmother and great grandmother both had issues with gallstones, and my mom gets kidney stones, so I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s just part of being an overworked, over-stressed, overwhelmed woman. I need help and care and support. But it’s become clear as of late that very few people in my life are willing to do the bare minimum required to be that. So I think I may just have to start shutting the world out and sequestering myself from everyone and everything just so I can take care of myself… which isn’t really good for my emotional health, but… :/ At least I’ve got Jimmy to sing me to sleep at night, and the Dirty Heads to kickstart my day.

Music has been there for me more than any human person except for maybe my social worker. She’s a fantastic woman, and I’m so happy she was assigned to me, because I don’t think I would have even made it this far without her. I just found out yesterday that she’s been pregnant through all this, and I felt horrible like, Christ, I hope I’m not putting too much strain on her.

But she seems like one tough mama, so… go her. I kind of wish we weren’t involved in legal shit, because I would give anything for a friend like her. She’s tough and strong and very, very loving. I hope I can be like her someday. I feel like I’m on my way, but it gets hard to tell some days when everyone only ever talks shit about me.

She’s the only person that’s actually said anything overwhelming positive and meaningful to me lately. I cried when she said some of the things she did, because I literally thought she was blowing smoke up my ass, but she was very firm in telling me that she wouldn’t tell me things if they weren’t true. So it was amazing to hear, and I think it’s a huge part of my sudden will-to-live epiphany.

Between that, and listening to the album EURINGER, and recent conversations with not-so-evil ex David and former step dad Rocky, I’ve come a long way I’m learning to embrace myself for who I am and valuing that person more. :,>

And it kinda feels amazing. It’s also a little depressing to feel like I’ve already lost the ability to receive that same love and value from anyone else currently in my life. So maybe it’s time to just move forward and hope that I’ll get stronger as I go.

It’s kind of bullshit, because loneliness sucks, but there’s no one else I want to fill the spaces that Matt and Ben have filled in my life, especially since I still have a gaping wound where Faron used to live. But maybe I’ll discover healthy things to jam in those wounds to keep them clean and manage the pain. :/

One can only hope.

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