My dearest Ben,
I was really hoping that you would find it in your heart to see me one more time, but I understand. It was an unreasonable request, and I shouldn’t have even put you in that position. I just wanted to write you one last time, though. Consider it my birthday wish. And after I’m done, as promised, I will truly leave you alone for good and never bother you ever again, if that is really what you desire.
Now where to even begin…?
Well, I suppose that I can begin by apologizing for birthdays past and being such a jerk. Putting it lightly, of course. I don’t know what the hell has been wrong with me my whole life. I’m just… not a good person. But it’s not for lack of trying, I hope you believe me… My entire life has just been a buildup of guilt. I can never forgive myself for any of the pain I’ve caused over time, to anyone, no matter how small not a big deal. It’s just something i can’t escape, but it at least keeps me trying to be better every day. It’s an uphill battle, though.
No matter how hard I try, I always fail and let everyone down. I let you down.
I let myself down.
I hate the things you did to me, but I cannot seem to force myself to hate *you*. And for that, I end up hating myself, I guess. Or maybe it’s because I hate myself that I can’t respect myself enough to recover from it and just move past you. Or maybe it’s simply that I promised I would never give up on you, and when I make promises, real promises, I cling to them. And now I have no direction, because you only want me gone.
Ew, this is starting to sounds like a guilt festival. Not my intention. Let me see…
I don’t know what to say that hasn’t already been said. Well, I guess I can never really overstate my love for you. So I’ll say it again. I love you. And I really, really miss you. Every day is harder and harder, and the longer things drag out, the emptier I feel inside. I don’t know what else to do anymore.
I’m miserable without you.
I have no passion. No motivation. No muse. I just wake up each day, go through the motions, and then go to bed. Lather, rinse, repeat.
I’ve tried filling the void with various things like music and makeup and clothes, but in the end, nothing can ever replace your presence in my life. It’s all just pointless bullshit.
You made me happy. Even when you were at your worst, I was still happier with you around than I’ve ever been since you’ve been gone. I can’t seem to find it within myself to give up on you. I can’t visualize myself with anyone else ever again. No one could make me smile like you did. It makes me nauseous to try to envision myself next to anyone else. I can’t live this way.
I wish that you would at least talk to me. I can’t handle the ghosting. It hurts me so much. It’s not fair. It’s just another form of control, and I don’t want to be controlled anymore.
I wish things were different.
I wish things *could* be different.
I wish you’d let me forgive you for everything if only you’d forgive me too… I wish we could start over and try again. From scratch. Like we were new. Anything….
Because without you… My life feels dull and worthless. You made me feel alive. You made me feel like I had a purpose. You gave me something to look forward to every day. You made me want to wake up each morning.
Now I go to sleep at night and just pray that I don’t wake up, but I always do. And it’s disappointing. Which makes it harder to get out of bed.
Ben… there’s no one else for me in the world. And I’m no good alone. I’m just a wandering dumbass with no purpose.
You and our family… it’s all that’s kept me going all this time. I can’t make it without you. It doesn’t matter who’s around, without you I just feel completely alone. And I’ll always feel this way. You were my other half. We completed each other. Without you, I’m just a fragment.
I love you so much more than you could ever imagine. I don’t think I did a good enough job explaining how much. Because it’s hard… It’s not something that I can really put into words. “I’d do anything for you,” is the closest thing I can come up with that even begins to explain. It’s not enough, but neither am I. I’m sorry. I tried to be enough.
I tried to be whatever you wanted or needed. Because I don’t know who I am. I’m just someone who loves you. That’s my entire identity.
So… without you, I’m null. Void. Blank. Worthless.
I wish it wasn’t true, but it just is. I’m sorry.
Everything is all wrong now… I just don’t feel right. And I hate this feeling. I can’t get it out of me. Nothing helps. You’re not replaceable.
Before you came into my life, I had Faron. But now he’s gone, and you’re gone and Ivy’s gone and all of my friends are gone, Ben…
I have no one.
Please don’t leave me this way.
I beg you. And I’m sorry to beg. I don’t want to, but this is the last time I’m going to. Please come back to me. Please. I only have love for you.
We can take it slow. Whatever you want. Whatever you need. Please just don’t throw me away like I’m trash. We can work it out. I know we can. We are strong. I think we’re stronger together than apart. And for sure, Ivy will be stronger with her family behind her.
I will be stronger.
I’ll make you stronger.
And we’ll all get better together.
Please. Consider it. This is all I ask. My one wish. Pretty, pretty please.