Someone told me to keep writing because I write well. It’s kind of surprising, honestly.

It’s after one in the morning, and I can’t sleep because at 10:30, there’s a long-awaited court hearing that will determine that I am going to continue to be bossed around and forced to do things that people who don’t know me think I need, before I’m given another goddamn court date at least three months out where they will probably do the same thing again until the government feels that it has made enough money off traumatizing my child and me. Because, let’s be honest, that’s really what this whole thing is about.

If they really cared about my “mental health” like they claim to, they wouldn’t be keeping us apart like this and forcing me to do things that they want me to do regardless of the fact that it’s actually more detrimental to my mental health than helpful.

A few months back, I posted an article about broken heart syndrome among other reasons that keeping a mother from her child might kill her. It’s been six months, and there is no end in sight. Sometimes it feels like they really are trying to kill me. After all, they’ve not been very careful about hiding their favoritism for her father. They decided to put her with him, even though that was never the plan, and they only told me this two days before they planned to go through with it, telling me “your lawyer can object.” But my lawyer took a week to respond, so as a last-ditch effort to prevent this, I called the police, which… if you know me at all, you know that I would never involve the people who have constantly ruined my life unless I felt it were absolutely necessary.

And do you know what they did? They fucking punished me. By refusing me visitation. For trying to protect her. Hah. If that’s not favoritism, I don’t know what is. So yes, it’s not out of the question for me to feel that they’re hoping to eliminate me so her dad can have everything he’s been dreaming of, including me being erased. But I can’t say that stuff, because it makes me sound crayzeeee. 🤪

I honestly don’t give a shit. I’m allowed to feel however I feel. I’m not standing up here claiming my word is gospel. I’m just venting. However, said article wasn’t simply about losing a child to the government. It was about losing children in general. And we all know my son is dead as of 2017, so it’s a double whammy for me, and anyone who doesn’t suffer from some sort of extreme mental disability should be able to put two and two together and realize that maybe it’s a really shitty idea to keep us separated. They think that 3 chaperoned three-hour visits a week makes up for it. For us being separated and her being put with her father who is still being a dreadful human being toward me, despite my attempts to be civil and kind to him.

I almost apologized to him today. But then he turned around and acted like an immature little kid toward me again, and I realized I don’t have anything to apologize for. It dawned on me… he called me a “master manipulator,” (and let’s not even get into how strange it is that my best friend got dumped by a fuck machine who called her the exact same thing, and I know her well enough to know that’s bullshit) but I realized tonight (took me long enough) that that is the most manipulative thing! She and I are both very naive and overly trusting girls. So when someone says something shitty about us, we automatically assume it must be true. But!!! The key to manipulation is, it implies purposeful deviousness, which was never something I did.

However! Calling someone something so mean knowing that they’ll believe you and question their sanity… now that’s manipulative. So I dodged a bullet there. He doesn’t deserve an apology. He deserves to go through all the bullshit they’ve been putting me through, because he’s the abusive one, and he doesn’t try to hide it.

The most infuriating part is that I can’t kick my stupid feelings for the dweeb. I had to see him the other night on camera. I was unprepared. And my dumb little tell-tale heart was racing and made my heart monitor go off, which I hope no one heard. I’ve struggled with the idea of maybe trying to meet new people and find something else, but I’ve come to decide that it’s worthless to even try. Nothing will ever make me as happy as we did, even when he wasn’t the best partner. He never beat me, at least, but he did hurt our daughter which is what I tried to make clear to the courts, but they said that they don’t care because it wasn’t recent. I argued, neither was the incident that got us here. And of course, they countered with the ever-weak “this isn’t about the incident, this is about your mental health.”

Right. Then why continue to contribute to its decline? Why was she taken following the incident? I argued that the incident was an anomaly… something that only happened one time in the entire history of ever, and I brought up the swabs I’d taken of the tea that I poured for everyone, but only I drank, and I demanded they be analyzed, but they refused. Where the fuck is the justice in that?

Riddle me this, kids: what’s more likely… that I randomly went batshit insane and thought my dead kid was locked in a van down the street, or that someone fucked with me by drugging me?

They go “how can you be sure that if someone drugged you, it wasn’t Matt?” Let me think… possibly because Matt isn’t the one who ghosted me while I was in the hospital and then bailed on me with his butt buddy the day I got home?? I mean, what do I know, though? I’m just a crazy bitch, clearly. 🙄

These people are the epitome of actual crazy. And I’m the scapegoat. Hah. What a bunch of bullshit.

Welp. Goodnight, my beloved void. I have to get up early for my quarterly harassment hearing. 👍🏻