A Final Farewell, and a Thorough Apology

Since I apparently only write heartfelt and honest things for my health, I figured I may as well share here the long and thorough apology that I wrote. That way it at least means something. Even if it’s just for me.

***

I feel as though I have not been as thorough as possible in giving you the apology that you deserve. You probably won’t even read this, but even knowing that to be the case, I cannot move forward feeling better about myself if I do not at least try. So…

I’m sorry. Really. Truly. From the bottom of my broken heart, in the immortal words of Brittney Spears.

I know that you feel that I rushed you into a relationship, and for that, I apologize. I didn’t realize. I fell for you, head over heels, faster than a drunk in a room full of trip-wires. My love for you sort of blinded me to the simple facts. That is my fault, and I am sorry. It just seemed to me at the time that you were feeling the same way. But now you say that wasn’t the case, and so please accept a sincere apology for my clumsy mistake and misunderstanding.

Next, I want to apologize for the way I treated you during my first trimester of pregnancy. Though it wasn’t really my fault, per se, any more than a trans person adjusting to hormone therapy. Hormones fuck you up, and so I must emphasize that much of the time I was an asshole, it was due to my body adjusting to having a baby inside me, and then later having to readjust to being… just me. You cannot possibly imagine what it’s like to have to share your body with another human… plus, if the paternal chimaerism thing is true, then I probably also had parts of you flowing through me, possibly causing me to exhibit some of your own mood problems, and may also explain why I was sort of repelled by you for a little while.

But I’m not literally trying to justify myself, because if I did, it wouldn’t be an apology. I just want you to understand that I wasn’t entirely myself. I can’t say I don’t know what was wrong with me, but knowing doesn’t make it make anymore sense in my head.

I was not me. And me apologizes for treating you so shamefully after forcing you into a situation that you couldn’t easily get out of.

I understand how frightened and alone you must have felt, because I’m feeling it now, and it is the worst. So please, please, PLEASE. Accept my humble apology for treating you so horribly and making you feel the way I do now. No one deserves to hurt this badly. And I know that I have apologized to you for this before, numerous times, but this apology is special because it is coming from a me that is feeling trapped, isolated, and lonely, just as I made you feel back then. So now when I apologize, it is from a place of complete understanding. I know exactly what I did, and regardless of what caused it or how little control I really had, Ben… please believe me when I say that I am so, so sorry.

I never meant to hurt you. But I did. Countless times. And much like you, or at least the you I once knew, I can’t stop kicking myself around for the mistakes I made and all the ways that I hurt you.

I am sorry for all the things I did when I was recovering, postpartum. I am sorry for making you feel so bad you compared me to Kyuubeh. I am sorry for experimenting with drinking. I am sorry for the fight at my grandparents’ house, when I threw that heavy thing at you. None of these behaviors were okay, and there is no excuse. I could have tried harder and been better.

And you have to understand that this sort of thing was why I started using. It was obvious that my emotions made me a shitty person. And you took yourself elsewhere and started talking to new people without me. And it hurt because I knew it meant that I wasn’t making you happy enough. I wasn’t enough.

And I wanted you to be happy. So instead of telling you to cut it off with your new friends, I decided that if I could just stifle my emotions down to a dull roar, maybe it could work and I could learn to accept you talking to others.

Please understand that I was only afraid that you would grow away from me and leave. And that is exactly what happened.

I know that this is an apology letter, but as it is also my final letter, I do have to digress for a moment and say something that desperately needs and deserves to be said. Please, if you’ve read this far, don’t stop now. I deserve to say this.

I was doing what I thought was in your best interest, in spite of my better judgement. I gave you the freedom you wanted and put my feelings, concerns, and insecurities on the back burner. For the very first time, Ben, you had my full and complete trust. And giving you that got me exactly what I always feared it would, which was why I have always been afraid to ever trust anyone completely. But I trusted you.

I trusted you with Brandon, knowing full well that he had tried to fuck up our relationship in the past.

And as for your friends welcoming you back with open arms, well duh. They hated me from the beginning without having ever met me. They hated our relationship because it took you away from them, which automatically made me the enemy. So of course they’re going to welcome you back with open arms!! That dumb bitch is out of the way, and it’s bros before hoes again!!

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to realize that. But I guess you’re happier this way, so I suppose I am happy for you, in spite of myself.

Anyway.

I won’t continue to banter on about all of that. I just needed to say it because it needs to be heard. That is the one defense I am actually putting up in all of this, and now that it’s done, I would like to continue my apology.

I fell apart when Faron got his diagnosis. I know that you suffered too, but I don’t think that you quite fathom the impact it had on me, as he was my blood child. My baby that I birthed. Even if you can imagine it happening to Ivy and understand that sort of pain, you still couldn’t possibly understand what it feels like to spend 9 months creating a life inside your own body, and over a year recovering from giving birth to this person, only to watch them slowly die in front of you. It’s a slap in the face.

But that’s probably just coming off as another justification, and that’s not what I’m aiming for. What I’m trying to get across is that at the worst possible time in my life, you were there for me, AND for him. You took care of my little boy as if he were your own, and it takes a very special sort of person to do that.

I thank you for everything you did. And I apologize wholeheartedly for making you do that while I fell apart. Sure there’s a decent excuse, whatever, it’s still something that I probably could have and definitely SHOULD have tried harder to control. But I failed, and I am sorry.

Four years. You spent half of his entire life with him. Which also means that for half of his life, I was spending time on you that I could have spent with him. Particularly in the beginning, when we were lost in each other and demanding privacy constantly. I want to say that I don’t regret the time I spent with you, but circumstances being what they are, I feel like I got gypped pretty hard. I guess I’m kind of digressing again into another things that needs to be said, but again, I intend for this to be my very last attempt to talk to you, so I need to be as thorough as possible and leave nothing unsaid. No loose ends, like you did to me.

Ben… so much of the time I spent with you, trusting that it was a forever kind of thing that I wouldn’t regret, was time in Faron’s unfortunately finite amount of life that I could have spent with him instead. If I had known that this is how things would end, I must admit that I would have ended things during my first trimester and spent every waking moment possible building more memories with my son. Perhaps then, he wouldn’t have developed all of the mental issues he had. I think that he felt very abandoned. Another thing I did wrong, but I can’t apologize to him now because he’s gone, and I fucked that up.

If you were still with me, I wouldn’t have so many regrets, but now it sort of feels overwhelmingly like… I made a choice between the two of you, somehow. And I chose you. And because of that, I lost him. But I thought that you would still be here, despite my long history of always being the dumpee, never the dumper. I gave you that trust that you always lusted after and got so upset when I couldn’t just hand it over. :/

Once, you literally asked me “why can’t you just trust me that I’ll never leave you?” Well, now you know. Because the moment I gave you that trust, you destroyed it, just like everyone else.

I feel- and this is just my feelings, you don’t have to give a flying fuck, but- that if you had any humanity in you at all, you would take to heart this fact that you stole precious, finite time away from a child’s mother and then dishonored him and made it all a humongous waste by doing what you did. He wouldn’t want this. He loved you like a second father. He said you should marry me. He would have wanted you to try to work things out, rather than just suddenly jumping ship with ZERO fucking discussion and going out of your way to make me suffer by spreading bullshit about me, and turning all of my friends against me so that I would have no one to turn to.

I’m sorry, but what you did to me was beyond fucked up.

HOWEVER. I hope this should be my last little intermission of expression of my own personal thoughts and feelings, which you will most likely ignore, assuming that you’ve even read this far, which I seriously doubt, but as I said before…

I have to at least try.

And so while I am apologizing, let me just go ahead and apologize for having the weakness to add in bits about my personal feelings, rather than just sticking to the point at hand. I’m sorry, but I do feel that it was necessary. Please accept my apology.

Coming to the end here, I want to apologize for scaring the shit out of you. Assuming that you legitimately didn’t drug me (I’ll never know for sure, because they refuse to test the goddamn tea swabs… maybe I’ll send them to a lab my damn self. 🤷🏻‍♀️), then I honestly have no idea what the hell possessed me those three days when I went apeshit and was not myself.

I am sorry.

I remember bits and pieces here and there, and I think that I was just subconsciously picking up on things that were taking place behind my back, and the more I realized, the angrier I got. It’s not an excuse, just an explanation. I couldn’t express myself properly, so I used weird-ass comparisons to try to explain what I meant, which just made things worse. It was honestly one of the scariest things that’s ever happened to me, so I can only really imagine how terrifying it must have been from the other side.

I don’t like myself when I’m angry at all, much less in a fit of rage like that… I’ve never been that way. It scares me to think of, and I regret that it happened.

I regret how much I frightened Ivy… and you.

I am so, so sorry. I wish I could say that, like all the other things I’ve apologized for, it was something that I could have and should have controlled better, but… since I literally don’t have a solid reason for what happened, it was literally out of my control.

Everyone but the CPS losers think it’s highly suspect that I just suddenly “went crazy,” and then you took off. It seems too convenient, and so I must also apologize for suspecting foul play. It’s all that makes sense. And even if you didn’t drug me, it’s possible that someone else did, or so the case worker claims.

So drugs can’t be ruled out. That is, drugs outside of the simple cold pills that I had been taking which had never caused such an effect on me.

But whatever happened, whatever caused it, it hasn’t happened again, and I pray that it won’t. I have been off of severe mood-altering medications (like lamictal, lithium, etc) and have been taking nothing other than gabapentin for my anxiety. I haven’t been using dex. I’ve been much more clear and level headed, which is why I’m finally writing you this letter. I wanted time to make sure that I was basically myself again, and I do seem to be, albeit extremely terrified, isolated, and lonely. I’m attempting to work on getting past that, but part of the healing process is facing you with these things…

Apologizing for the ways I screwed up and begging you to understand the ways that you did. Please. You cannot just walk out of my life one day with no discussion whatsoever. It’s like you’re dead. Literally ghosting.

I hope you know that this experience has taught me a valuable lesson. I have no longer contemplated suicide, thanks to your fantastic display of how selfish and shitty it is to make the choice to forcibly remove yourself from the lives of people who love you and need you, leaving them with a gaping hole in their heart and no way to ever speak to you again, loose ends, etc.

Finally. I got perspective. I saw what I had been threatening to do, so many times, and it just clicked and I understood. Even though I never actually successfully did it, I made threats and attempts, and for that… Ben… I am more sorry than you can possibly imagine.

See… I’ve never really had to deal with anyone like me. Not until semi recently, actually, and now it’s like… astonishing. I keep thinking “Jesus fuck, this is what everyone I’ve ever known has had to put up with…” And yes, I admit that for a moment, I thought fleetingly, that if I had just managed to pull it off successfully, it probably would have been a huge relief to everyone. But the thought faded just about as soon as it came, as I realized thinking that way was basically the same as wishing my friend would just get it over with, which I would never, ever say. And so it’s put a lot of things into perspective for me, and I made a solemn vow to myself that in addition to erasing the idea of suicide from my head, I would also be there for her, like no one ever has for me. She checks herself into the psych ward practically every other week, and I’m always here when she calls. I always help put things in perspective for her and keep her head above water. Even when I’m also struggling. Because that’s just who I’ve always been.

Just like with me adjusting to my hormones changing for pregnancy and postpartum, I know that she is dealing with a lot in her hormone therapy. So I can’t blame her for her feelings.

I want you to know that I mean every word of what I’ve said when I’ve made my apologies. And I’m sorry for declining so badly after the eviction. But please at least understand that I had just lost two of the most important things in m my life, and then immediately had to return to a ptsd nightmare that I hadn’t faced in ten years.

Please understand that when I started getting weird about Emily, it was just because I was jealous of you and Brandon, and I missed having history with someone. I feel like such a ghost here. I’m so far removed from everything I ever knew, and I have no history here. No old high school friends, nothing. And you always, always compared me to him- this person you said you once had a crush on- and so… I just felt like I was just this familiar that you settled for because I was like him, but available. :/ It was very damaging. And you basically left me for him, so… I guess I was justified in feeling that way, but still…

I’m sorry for putting you through all that Emily bullshit and most likely making you feel… well… the same way you made me feel, which isn’t right.

I’m sorry. There is no excuse for making you feel a way that I knew from experience was devastating. I am so, so sorry.

And I know that it probably means nothing to you, but I haven’t really thought of her at all since you left. I simply don’t care anymore. It was just a weird phase I was going through because of stupid, irrational feelings I was having. And I’m sorry for all of it.

I know that you’ll never forgive me for any of the things I’ve mentioned in this letter, and I know that I’m probably wasting my time writing all of this because as evidenced by my last email, you probably won’t get/read it. And that’s… on you, I guess. :/

But I’m writing this because I need to. And because you need it. An apology goes a long way, at least in my experience. And so I’m hoping that multiple apologies will go ever further. Please believe me when I say that truly, honestly, I never intended to hurt you, and I wish things had been different. But trouble and tragedy and plain old bad luck just seem to follow me everywhere. So I can understand why you would want to stay away from a doomsday magnet. I get it. It hurts worse than just about anything I’ve ever experienced. On par with losing Faron, if I’m completely 100% honest. But I understand. And I am truly sorry for dragging you into my complicated life of disaster.

I should probably just stay away from anyone, if I really want to do the most good. If I just suffer alone, I can spare everyone else the trouble of going through hell with me. I’m starting to realize now that this is how it was always meant to be. Me, alone, plagued with the worst luck.

But now I’m probably just sounding melodramatic, and I don’t want any of that. I guess I’m just trying to make some kind of dumb justification for your absence.

Please believe my sincerest apologies for everything, and even if you can’t accept them, please at least believe me when I say that they are true and heartfelt. And please- do not try to accuse me of harassment again. I hardly think that addressing you to apologize for my shitty behavior is harassment. And besides, like I’ve said a million times: this is my last letter to you, unless you object. But I’m not even trying to hope for such a thing. I just want you to know that I am sorrier than you can even fathom, and I still want to make you happy, even if that means disappearing from your life forever. It’s high time I face up and do what’s expected of me. Even if I’m only expected to just go the fuck away.

And I will go the fuck away now.

But one last apology, if you’ve made it this far:

I’m sorry for wasting your time with this letter, especially if my apologies are meaningless to you. I just had to give them, for you, and for me… as one small step toward becoming the person I strive to become every day.

Accept them if you like, or don’t. But there they are, in all possible sincerity.

Goodbye, Ben… You will always be in my heart. I wish you every happiness and the best of luck in your new life.