Huh.

Someone told me to keep writing because I write well. It’s kind of surprising, honestly.

It’s after one in the morning, and I can’t sleep because at 10:30, there’s a long-awaited court hearing that will determine that I am going to continue to be bossed around and forced to do things that people who don’t know me think I need, before I’m given another goddamn court date at least three months out where they will probably do the same thing again until the government feels that it has made enough money off traumatizing my child and me. Because, let’s be honest, that’s really what this whole thing is about.

If they really cared about my “mental health” like they claim to, they wouldn’t be keeping us apart like this and forcing me to do things that they want me to do regardless of the fact that it’s actually more detrimental to my mental health than helpful.

A few months back, I posted an article about broken heart syndrome among other reasons that keeping a mother from her child might kill her. It’s been six months, and there is no end in sight. Sometimes it feels like they really are trying to kill me. After all, they’ve not been very careful about hiding their favoritism for her father. They decided to put her with him, even though that was never the plan, and they only told me this two days before they planned to go through with it, telling me “your lawyer can object.” But my lawyer took a week to respond, so as a last-ditch effort to prevent this, I called the police, which… if you know me at all, you know that I would never involve the people who have constantly ruined my life unless I felt it were absolutely necessary.

And do you know what they did? They fucking punished me. By refusing me visitation. For trying to protect her. Hah. If that’s not favoritism, I don’t know what is. So yes, it’s not out of the question for me to feel that they’re hoping to eliminate me so her dad can have everything he’s been dreaming of, including me being erased. But I can’t say that stuff, because it makes me sound crayzeeee. 🤪

I honestly don’t give a shit. I’m allowed to feel however I feel. I’m not standing up here claiming my word is gospel. I’m just venting. However, said article wasn’t simply about losing a child to the government. It was about losing children in general. And we all know my son is dead as of 2017, so it’s a double whammy for me, and anyone who doesn’t suffer from some sort of extreme mental disability should be able to put two and two together and realize that maybe it’s a really shitty idea to keep us separated. They think that 3 chaperoned three-hour visits a week makes up for it. For us being separated and her being put with her father who is still being a dreadful human being toward me, despite my attempts to be civil and kind to him.

I almost apologized to him today. But then he turned around and acted like an immature little kid toward me again, and I realized I don’t have anything to apologize for. It dawned on me… he called me a “master manipulator,” (and let’s not even get into how strange it is that my best friend got dumped by a fuck machine who called her the exact same thing, and I know her well enough to know that’s bullshit) but I realized tonight (took me long enough) that that is the most manipulative thing! She and I are both very naive and overly trusting girls. So when someone says something shitty about us, we automatically assume it must be true. But!!! The key to manipulation is, it implies purposeful deviousness, which was never something I did.

However! Calling someone something so mean knowing that they’ll believe you and question their sanity… now that’s manipulative. So I dodged a bullet there. He doesn’t deserve an apology. He deserves to go through all the bullshit they’ve been putting me through, because he’s the abusive one, and he doesn’t try to hide it.

The most infuriating part is that I can’t kick my stupid feelings for the dweeb. I had to see him the other night on camera. I was unprepared. And my dumb little tell-tale heart was racing and made my heart monitor go off, which I hope no one heard. I’ve struggled with the idea of maybe trying to meet new people and find something else, but I’ve come to decide that it’s worthless to even try. Nothing will ever make me as happy as we did, even when he wasn’t the best partner. He never beat me, at least, but he did hurt our daughter which is what I tried to make clear to the courts, but they said that they don’t care because it wasn’t recent. I argued, neither was the incident that got us here. And of course, they countered with the ever-weak “this isn’t about the incident, this is about your mental health.”

Right. Then why continue to contribute to its decline? Why was she taken following the incident? I argued that the incident was an anomaly… something that only happened one time in the entire history of ever, and I brought up the swabs I’d taken of the tea that I poured for everyone, but only I drank, and I demanded they be analyzed, but they refused. Where the fuck is the justice in that?

Riddle me this, kids: what’s more likely… that I randomly went batshit insane and thought my dead kid was locked in a van down the street, or that someone fucked with me by drugging me?

They go “how can you be sure that if someone drugged you, it wasn’t Matt?” Let me think… possibly because Matt isn’t the one who ghosted me while I was in the hospital and then bailed on me with his butt buddy the day I got home?? I mean, what do I know, though? I’m just a crazy bitch, clearly. 🙄

These people are the epitome of actual crazy. And I’m the scapegoat. Hah. What a bunch of bullshit.

Welp. Goodnight, my beloved void. I have to get up early for my quarterly harassment hearing. 👍🏻

Loveless

Here is your soundtrack.

Dear Void,

After some time alone with my thoughts, I’ve decided I won’t kill my blog. Not because I think that anyone cares what I have to say, but because there’s a lot of unpacking I have done here and plenty that I have left to do.

I suppose I want to start by discussing the state of loneliness in which I find myself. I know that I’ve spoken of it before, but mostly I’m frustrated bursts of anger surrounding the situation. But the anger has subsided now, and all I feel is sadness.

I am sad that all of my good friends blocked me right away after the incident. It isn’t fair to take the side of one person by default without hearing the other side. Further, it pains me to see that some of those friends have begun to harass me and some of my Instagram follows, seemingly out of anger that I have come out of my shell and found confidence in myself to post more risqué photos of myself for others to enjoy.

From what I can gather, that bitterness seems to stem from the fact that I am doing this rather than being with Ben. But surely they must know that I have tried desperately to work things out with him, only to be shut down each time.

The last time that I mailed him was on my birthday, which everyone conveniently forgot. I was lonesome and sad, and all I wanted for my birthday that I felt was within reason was to be heard. And so I sent him a very sweet email explaining that I still love him dearly and would give anything to work things out. He responded by threatening me with a restraining order. So… what more can I do?

If they think we should work things out and get back together, I’m not the one they should be harassing. And frankly, harassment is not the answer. Calm discussion wins out over harassment any day. But on the topic of harassment, I am sad also that my email was also called harassing, despite that nothing in it was mean or cruel. I simply wrote about my feelings for him… how I’ve always had them and always will, because I made a commitment to forever, and now I’m stuck here alone because of it.

I cannot see myself with another man. The thought makes me nauseous. Particularly when thoughts of intimacy come up. I simply can’t. I know that I had previously considered myself asexual due to a lack of sex drive. However, it’s become clear to me in recent months, since stopping the use of the cold pills, that I am not. I’m just attracted to one person. As for the lack of drive, that was not due to a lack of love for Ben.

You have to understand that you don’t know the full story. I began using heavily after I found out that he had been secretly chatting up a bunch of people online behind my back. It might not sound like a big deal to you, but for me, it was nauseating to find that the person I loved had been forming close relationships with people who knew plenty about me before I’d even heard of them. And he should have known how that would affect me given that during the same period of time, Matt had gotten a secret girlfriend who knew everything about us before we’d even heard of her.

Then, there’s this that I found today:

This was in a notebook of his that I never snooped through.

But it perfectly describes my feelings about him. And if that was how he felt, he should have known what it’s like to feel jealousy over the person you want to be one with… that you want to be included in all aspects of their life… and yet, this is what he considers as abusive behavior, which makes no sense to me. Frankly, I find it unfair.

But back to what I was saying about sex drive and the pills and all this. So when I found out about these people who eventually became mutual friends, I was torn between standing up for my feelings and reinforcing the boundaries that we had set for our relationship, and just burying those feelings so that he could be happy, or whatever.

He knew that I was hurt, and that pills would help numb the pain. And so he got them for me. And when he discovered that they killed jealousy and gave him the ability to do pretty much whatever without having to deal with my feelings, he chose to support their use, rather than come to some sort of agreement that could benefit us mutually without me having to resort to poisoning my body for his sole benefit.

Cold pills kill sex drive. And so… I started to think that I was asexual. But I made it clear to him that I was still willing to be intimate with him, he simply had to ask. But Ben was not one to ask. When he wanted intimacy, he thrust it on me in ways that made me uncomfortable. Particularly in the middle of the night when I was trying to sleep. He had a tendency to get grabby to an almost rapey level, and there were times I would literally have to sleep on the couch to get free so I could sleep.

I made it clear on multiple occasions that confronting me directly with his needs would be a much more efficient way of getting me… in the mood, for lack of a better term. Being told that you are desired is a much bigger turn on than sudden molestation. He was informed, but refused to take that route, and so as you would expect, intimacy declined.

I have no doubts that lack of sex was the main reason for his growing contempt for me. And it was no fault of mine, if I’m being honest. I laid down simple rules. And if he had had more interest in my health and our relationship than in just being able to get away with whatever, I wouldn’t have had to continue using. I did it in an attempt to make him happy and save our relationship, but ultimately, it would seem that it more succeeded in ending it.

I had encouraged him so many times to seek therapy or otherwise get some sort of help that could maybe make things better for him, but he refused each time. Even today, it was encouraged for him to get family therapy with me so that we could be on speaking terms, since the court randomly decided he gets to have Ivy, even though that was not part of the plan. My attorney said that was the best thing we could do, and that if he refused, we could bring that before the judge and use it as grounds to have her removed.

But I don’t want to have to take her from him. She was taken from me, and it’s done serious, permanent psychological damage to me. So why would I want to do that to him? However, I don’t feel comfortable with him being alone with her if he is still refusing help. Especially family therapy which can help all three of us, and which I desperately need if I’m ever going to fully heal.

Again, he refused. So… I have tried and tried and tried to work things out, to get him help, and to take small steps toward not throwing away what would have, in two days, been a 7 year relationship, and to not permanently destroy our child who only wants her family back.

So again, I say: Please stop directing your anger toward me. I have tried for him, and he simply does not want anything to do with me. If you really have feelings that strongly about us and our relationship, I’m not the one you need to talk to. I still love him more than I’ve ever loved anyone. That feeling isn’t going away, even when I wish it would.

I wasn’t always a picture perfect girlfriend, but I only did the best I could to try to accommodate the feelings of the man I loved. The fault of the end does not lie with me.

He asked me if I wanted him to come home. I told him I did. I even picked him a bouquet of wild flowers. But his friend took off with him and was ultimately the one who told me “it’s over, Sunny. You need to realize that.” That should have come from Ben. Not the friend who was notorious for trying to ruin our relationship in the past. And Ben should have known that just as well and not let his friend make his decisions for him.

Please stop harassing me, and especially stop harassing my followers. They aren’t even in this.

One more.

1. You don’t get to call me paranoid when you just up and bailed on me one day with zero discussion and refuse to talk to me about anything, plus when you straight up lie to me, tell me there’s no one else, and then start fucking around with multiple someone elses.

2. You don’t get to spy on my password protected extremely personal shit and then get pissed at me for checking out the shit you post publicly and then threaten to slap ME with a restraining order.

3. I’m getting “help” because it’s court ordered, not because I need it. Honestly, since I went off meds and I don’t have you to deal with, that’s been a gigantic fucking help. I feel better now than you EVER made me feel. And even more honestly, you need plenty more help, and you’re making it obvious to everyone by trash talking and belittling me for the issues I had that you only made worse.

4. How dare you get pissed at me for having suicidal thoughts, when you’re perfectly capable of the selfishness that it takes to purposely remove yourself completely from someone’s life and leave a giant gaping hole in it? I’m still here. I’ve survived. And if you hadn’t bailed on me, I’d still fucking be here trying to fix your fucked up ass. Suicidal thoughts are just thoughts. A lot of people have them, especially after losing a child. I went through several periods where I overcame them and tried to pick my life back up, but obviously, shit keeps raining down on me every time I get back up. And maybe if you’d actually been there for me when things got extremely shitty, instead of chatting up whores online and then moving it to physical shit, maybe I wouldn’t have gotten to the point that I did. You emotionally abandoned me when I needed your love and support more than ever.

5. You don’t get to fuck around when you said you supported my decision of being ace. If you didn’t support it, all you had to do was talk to me. I know that you have needs, and I believe that I even said that to you and asked you to talk to me if you ever felt like you were having trouble. You didn’t. So how fucking dare you?

6. This is all your fault. You did this. You treated me like shit when I needed you more than ever. You never asked me to stop. In fact, you liked it because it kept me out of your way. You liked me better when I took medicine. So the pills became my friend when you weren’t.

7. You’ve made it clear that you don’t give a shit about Ivy. You don’t care enough about she wants and needs to even *try* to fix things, and you’re too much of a chicken shit to even TALK to me without threatening me, so this means that I can’t share with you the things she does and makes, which you SHOULD be proud of. But you’ve shown that you only care about yourself, so why would you give a shit about your daughter and what she can do and the person she’s becoming? You don’t. And it shows. You can’t even be a man enough to fucking come to her BIRTHDAY PARTY which would mean more to her than whatever bullshit you BOUGHT her. She cannot he bought. She is a human child. And if you really loved her, you would know that.

Bon Voyage.

Before I kill my account, I have one last thing to say.

Thank you.

All of you. The ones who were kinder than I deserved and the ones who treated me like complete shit. Thank you. I wouldn’t be who I am today without any of you, and I wouldn’t have learned the lessons I needed to learn.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t appreciate being treated like fucking scum for simply having issues, mostly related to people consistently treating me like shit- more specifically the folks that treated me like shit for having problems due to being treated like shit and then dealt with it by doing the exact same things that gave me the complexes in the first goddamn place… you’re still shitty people and you should legitimately get help before you end up extremely depressed and alone…

But if it hadn’t been for you, I would never have learned to respect myself and stop taking bullshit. So, even though you fucked me up beyond any hope of complete repair, thank you for teaching me what shit to look out for sooner so that I can nip that shit in the bud in the future.

I hate goodbyes. It sickens me the amount of people that bail when the going gets tough. It’s a selfish, fuckboy behavior. So I’m not the type of person who nips people out forever. I’ll always welcome you back with open arms if you get help and quit being a slime ball. It’s in your hands. I’ve always been very forgiving, but the part of me that was overly trusting is dead now. Forever.

She’s not coming back. So. If you ever decide you wanna catch up again, make sure you’re a different person when you get back. I’m a different person than I was four months ago, and soon, I’ll be an even different person than the me who is currently writing this. That’s the beauty of life. Every day is another chance to improve and be better, which is something I never stop trying to become. And I hope that those of you who were shitty to me will also change for the better so that someday, we can be friends again.

But for now, this is goodbye.

I’m no longer interested in trying to write about what happened and get the truth out there, because I’ve come to understand that no one gives a flying fuck about me or hearing the truth, so that’s my burden to bear, and the only people who need to hear it are my lawyers.

In order to be better and get what I need out of life, I have to abandon any hope of support from “friends.” It’s just not in the cards for me. So I’m taking my leave from the Internet, and if we’re meant to meet again, we will. However.

Take care, folks.

Sunny, out.

There’s no point.

I don’t say anything smart, and the words that come out of my brain are meaningless to anyone. This blog is a waste of data.

I’m probably going to kill it soon. I might kill my website, too, if I can get any of my money back from the payment I made for the year.

I don’t contribute anything worth while to the world. So I can at least quit stacking more garbage on top of the other garbage.

X

Please don’t kick me to the curb, I beg you.

I have no one. I hope you’re happy. You take off and leave me, take all my friends with you, and turn everyone against me. My family sides with you, now Matt’s siding with you.

I’m completely fucking alone. Thanks for spreading viscous rumors about me and making everyone think I’m just some fucking batshit crazy person.

Everything you ever wanted is right at your fingertips. All you’re waiting for is me in a body bag, right?

I loved and trusted you. And this is what you do to me. I was loyal. And this is where my loyalty got me.

Why can’t you just wake up and be a human being and come fix this mess you made before it’s too late? I can’t keep going on like this. With no one… completely fucking alone… everyone hates me because of you!!! No one gives a single shit about me. So what’s the point???

Does this really make you happy??? Because if it does, you can’t even be human. Just pure fucking evil.

Shame me for having problems with self-worth and self esteem. Do all the exact things that press those buttons. See how many buttons it takes to get to the suicide center of self-loathing. And *I’m* the one with the “problem” who’s being forced to get “help.”

You’re pure evil. And I can’t stop loving you, even knowing this fact. I just want you to get help. Please get help. Please. Please stop pushing my buttons. Please stop lying to everyone about me. Tell my friends the truth so that they’ll unblock me and stop playing your fucked up games because I need their support a hell of a lot more than you do, obviously.

UPDATES!!! After this post, he sent me THIS email:

After I said he wants me in a body bag. He send me a push-you-over the edge email incriminating himself for snooping on my shit, because it’s the only way he’d even KNOW if I was “snooping his shit,” which I wouldn’t even call it snooping if it’s fucking public. Dopey-ass mf.

So here we have it. Proof he’s trying to push me to suicide, and proof he’s been snooping my journals and things JUST LIKE I SAID. Oh, and the “harassment” of which he speaks is me sending him a message on my birthday just to tell him how I feel, saying that that’s all I wanted for my birthday, and that I’d leave him alone for good after that.

So yeah. Keep taking his side. You’ll just be an accessory to his shitty behavior. Or you could come back to me, be forgiven, never speak of your betrayal again, and actually support the friend who always put her issues on the back burner to help you with yours.

My dearest Ben,

I was really hoping that you would find it in your heart to see me one more time, but I understand. It was an unreasonable request, and I shouldn’t have even put you in that position. I just wanted to write you one last time, though. Consider it my birthday wish. And after I’m done, as promised, I will truly leave you alone for good and never bother you ever again, if that is really what you desire.

Now where to even begin…?

Well, I suppose that I can begin by apologizing for birthdays past and being such a jerk. Putting it lightly, of course. I don’t know what the hell has been wrong with me my whole life. I’m just… not a good person. But it’s not for lack of trying, I hope you believe me… My entire life has just been a buildup of guilt. I can never forgive myself for any of the pain I’ve caused over time, to anyone, no matter how small not a big deal. It’s just something i can’t escape, but it at least keeps me trying to be better every day. It’s an uphill battle, though.

No matter how hard I try, I always fail and let everyone down. I let you down.

I let myself down.

I hate the things you did to me, but I cannot seem to force myself to hate *you*. And for that, I end up hating myself, I guess. Or maybe it’s because I hate myself that I can’t respect myself enough to recover from it and just move past you. Or maybe it’s simply that I promised I would never give up on you, and when I make promises, real promises, I cling to them. And now I have no direction, because you only want me gone.

Ew, this is starting to sounds like a guilt festival. Not my intention. Let me see…

I don’t know what to say that hasn’t already been said. Well, I guess I can never really overstate my love for you. So I’ll say it again. I love you. And I really, really miss you. Every day is harder and harder, and the longer things drag out, the emptier I feel inside. I don’t know what else to do anymore.

I’m miserable without you.

I have no passion. No motivation. No muse. I just wake up each day, go through the motions, and then go to bed. Lather, rinse, repeat.

I’ve tried filling the void with various things like music and makeup and clothes, but in the end, nothing can ever replace your presence in my life. It’s all just pointless bullshit.

You made me happy. Even when you were at your worst, I was still happier with you around than I’ve ever been since you’ve been gone. I can’t seem to find it within myself to give up on you. I can’t visualize myself with anyone else ever again. No one could make me smile like you did. It makes me nauseous to try to envision myself next to anyone else. I can’t live this way.

I wish that you would at least talk to me. I can’t handle the ghosting. It hurts me so much. It’s not fair. It’s just another form of control, and I don’t want to be controlled anymore.

I wish things were different.

I wish things *could* be different.

I wish you’d let me forgive you for everything if only you’d forgive me too… I wish we could start over and try again. From scratch. Like we were new. Anything….

Because without you… My life feels dull and worthless. You made me feel alive. You made me feel like I had a purpose. You gave me something to look forward to every day. You made me want to wake up each morning.

Now I go to sleep at night and just pray that I don’t wake up, but I always do. And it’s disappointing. Which makes it harder to get out of bed.

Ben… there’s no one else for me in the world. And I’m no good alone. I’m just a wandering dumbass with no purpose.

You and our family… it’s all that’s kept me going all this time. I can’t make it without you. It doesn’t matter who’s around, without you I just feel completely alone. And I’ll always feel this way. You were my other half. We completed each other. Without you, I’m just a fragment.

I love you so much more than you could ever imagine. I don’t think I did a good enough job explaining how much. Because it’s hard… It’s not something that I can really put into words. “I’d do anything for you,” is the closest thing I can come up with that even begins to explain. It’s not enough, but neither am I. I’m sorry. I tried to be enough.

I tried to be whatever you wanted or needed. Because I don’t know who I am. I’m just someone who loves you. That’s my entire identity.

So… without you, I’m null. Void. Blank. Worthless.

I wish it wasn’t true, but it just is. I’m sorry.

Everything is all wrong now… I just don’t feel right. And I hate this feeling. I can’t get it out of me. Nothing helps. You’re not replaceable.

Before you came into my life, I had Faron. But now he’s gone, and you’re gone and Ivy’s gone and all of my friends are gone, Ben…

I have no one.

Please don’t leave me this way.

I beg you. And I’m sorry to beg. I don’t want to, but this is the last time I’m going to. Please come back to me. Please. I only have love for you.

We can take it slow. Whatever you want. Whatever you need. Please just don’t throw me away like I’m trash. We can work it out. I know we can. We are strong. I think we’re stronger together than apart. And for sure, Ivy will be stronger with her family behind her.

I will be stronger.

I’ll make you stronger.

And we’ll all get better together.

Please. Consider it. This is all I ask. My one wish. Pretty, pretty please.