Now that I have health insurance, the time has once again come to pursue ECT. I discussed it with my doctor yesterday, and I am awaiting evaluation.
It’s a catch 22, and I am concerned. On one hand, if it actually works, it may expedite things with my daughter and the entire court nonsense that I am beyond tired of after 6 months of torture. And that would be phenomenal.
However, there are some things that I’ve been mulling over in my head for the past couple of days as I’ve had far too much time alone with my thoughts. One is memory loss. What will I forget? Do I want to forget? My memories, no matter how painful, are important to me. Still… that isn’t the worst of it.
Part of me also wonders how much of who I am will change as a result. I can’t say that I’ve spent terribly much time in my life feeing truly happy, simply because every time I start to get to that point, something horrendous comes along and buries me under layers upon layers of prime rank bullshit. So… thinking back, there were only a few extremely happy memories… the births of my children… the warmth of Ben’s love and the feeling of really connecting with someone… That last happy weekend we had while Matt was with his parents and we drove around in some beautiful alternate reality where we had our own life together and our own not-falling-apart car…
That’s all. Little bits here and there throughout. But mostly those. So I don’t know if electrocuting my brain to make me happy is going to massively affect who I am as a person. And as I know truly at this point that no one likes who I am as a person, surely that can’t be a bad thing… but what if it is?
And what of my creative energy? Not that I’ve had much of it since my muse left me to die. But still… I think most artists will agree that some of our best work is created in pain. Not that I’m at all interested in continuing to suffer. I’ve had enough of that shit for an entire life time… but art and music were my livelihood. Will they get erased? And will I even care? And if I don’t, then I’m a vastly different person.
And how will it affect my feelings for him? This is the hardest part. Because they are causing me a lot of pain, but at the same time, I don’t want to give them up. I want to believe that if I push forward and continue to show how much I care and how badly I want to make things work, and not give up on him no matter what kinds of bullets he shoots my way… maybe it’ll rattle his brain and he’ll realize what he’s throwing away.
You just won’t ever find another with my loyalty and tenacity. Someone who cares truly and deeply and will continue to care, no matter what obstacles stand in their way… obviously, the one person I finally trusted to be that for me wasn’t. And as much as I know that I should walk away and forget it all… it’s just too much for me to walk away from. It would’ve been seven years a couple of weeks ago. So that’s 6 1/2 years, where we went through some of the most painful trials that most people never have to go through together. If we could make it through those, than why not this?
I can’t wrap my head around it.
I have a scrapbook, a photo album, and a box of memories, all of which I had been considering roasting over our Halloween bonfire. To help me forget. But I need to know… I need to know if that’s the best course of action. Should I destroy everything and try to forget as much as possible? Or should I keep holding out hope? I’ve been very patient, but I don’t appreciate the lies and deception and especially the hiding.
It’s so dumb. If one had nothing to hide, they wouldn’t hide. It’s that simple. And I have made it abundantly clear that I would be willing to patiently listen and not lose my shit, should he decide to be honest with me for once. But if he chooses to keep trying to tell me that I was hearing and seeing shit, which I have no history of, then that’s really on him and his conscience. He’s the one who will have to carry that burden for the rest of his life, and the longer he has to carry it, the heavier it will grow, until one day, it crushes him.
And by that time, I won’t be there to scoop his smooshed soul up from the ground and paste it back together with my special love glue. Guilt can weigh a person down for years, even decades before it breaks them. And as patient as I am and have been, I’m not going to waste away, waiting for the rest of my life. I’m still aging. I’m not getting any younger. I’m already missing out on so much of what life might have to offer just by being as patient as I have been.
But I know that I will never love again. That much is certain. I forbid myself from it.
What really bothers me is, I feel like everyone has this secret agenda of like trying to force me to go back to Matt and live happily ever after being the dumb little housewife. And that’s just not going to happen. Matt and I are extremely good friends. We’ve been together through all of the same shit Ben and I went through. He’s still here as a friend. And we are both fine with that.
And honestly, no one gets to dictate my fucking future and try to shove me into some role I don’t fit the part for. I decide my own future. I’m not some fucking Princess Jasmine. I choose my own future, and it currently has two paths: 1. Work things out like adults and be the parents that our beautiful blossoming baby girl needs and deserves, or 2. Shut myself off from all personal relationships that aren’t strictly blood or longer than ten years, leaving me with a very small handful of people that don’t even really care about me at all and with whom I will probably never be fully open with.
I want to be hopeful. I want to dare to hope for a brighter future… but just… with the history of my entire life being a bright, shining testament as to why god is dead and hope is a lie… I really am afraid to be so daring.
I need to know what to do.
Should I burn the memories and get ECT and hope to forget the pain, or…
Should I hang on as hard as I can and hope against all odds that maybe, possibly, somehow something will actually go good for me for once?
Or, I suppose, there’s always the chance that ECT might somehow kill me, and finally lift the burden off everyone who wishes I was gone. Because, let’s be honest here… no one actually wants me around anymore. The people who put up with me only barely do, and they make it exceptionally clear that I burden them. But I don’t know. If I get better, maybe I can move out into my own house and get out of their lives and go back to only existing when they need something.
Because that’s my purpose in life. I’m a convenience store. Open 24-7, but only comes to mind when useful. Occasionally gets robbed of goods, services, love, and emotion… time, labor, energy… With nothing in return, except being mildly tolerated.
I want to be worthy of more than just being tolerated. So what should I do? Because what I would so much rather do is get family therapy with Ben and Ivy and work through the pain and the problems and learn how to be better people not only for each other, but for ourselves. And especially, for our daughter. There’s no chance of memory loss or personality change with therapy. And I could still also get EMDR alongside.
But that would actually require me being seen as a human being with feelings and needs and a desire to become better… to be seen as someone who is deserving of the same love and dedication that I put out. I mean, fuck… I did my best to be not a pest in a situation where I felt like my feelings were invalid and I had no other choice. I did it because I wanted him to be happy. And he let me, because it did make him happy. It took the me out of me and made me hide away in a corner and leave him to himself, which is what he always seemed to like best. :,/ I needed him more than ever, but I was forced to just stay out of the way so he could be happy.
And now it’s a hundred times worse, and I’m tired of being the doormat. I’m tired of hiding my feelings and burying them so he doesn’t have to worry about them. My feelings matter, too. Now, more than ever. I need them to matter. So, so much. >_<
Tonight, she told me that I was the best mom she could ever wish for. Later, she told me that she wishes she could be with me all day every day.
They’re breaking us both to pieces and they don’t even care.
Someone told me to keep writing because I write well. It’s kind of surprising, honestly.
It’s after one in the morning, and I can’t sleep because at 10:30, there’s a long-awaited court hearing that will determine that I am going to continue to be bossed around and forced to do things that people who don’t know me think I need, before I’m given another goddamn court date at least three months out where they will probably do the same thing again until the government feels that it has made enough money off traumatizing my child and me. Because, let’s be honest, that’s really what this whole thing is about.
If they really cared about my “mental health” like they claim to, they wouldn’t be keeping us apart like this and forcing me to do things that they want me to do regardless of the fact that it’s actually more detrimental to my mental health than helpful.
A few months back, I posted an article about broken heart syndrome among other reasons that keeping a mother from her child might kill her. It’s been six months, and there is no end in sight. Sometimes it feels like they really are trying to kill me. After all, they’ve not been very careful about hiding their favoritism for her father. They decided to put her with him, even though that was never the plan, and they only told me this two days before they planned to go through with it, telling me “your lawyer can object.” But my lawyer took a week to respond, so as a last-ditch effort to prevent this, I called the police, which… if you know me at all, you know that I would never involve the people who have constantly ruined my life unless I felt it were absolutely necessary.
And do you know what they did? They fucking punished me. By refusing me visitation. For trying to protect her. Hah. If that’s not favoritism, I don’t know what is. So yes, it’s not out of the question for me to feel that they’re hoping to eliminate me so her dad can have everything he’s been dreaming of, including me being erased. But I can’t say that stuff, because it makes me sound crayzeeee. 🤪
I honestly don’t give a shit. I’m allowed to feel however I feel. I’m not standing up here claiming my word is gospel. I’m just venting. However, said article wasn’t simply about losing a child to the government. It was about losing children in general. And we all know my son is dead as of 2017, so it’s a double whammy for me, and anyone who doesn’t suffer from some sort of extreme mental disability should be able to put two and two together and realize that maybe it’s a really shitty idea to keep us separated. They think that 3 chaperoned three-hour visits a week makes up for it. For us being separated and her being put with her father who is still being a dreadful human being toward me, despite my attempts to be civil and kind to him.
I almost apologized to him today. But then he turned around and acted like an immature little kid toward me again, and I realized I don’t have anything to apologize for. It dawned on me… he called me a “master manipulator,” (and let’s not even get into how strange it is that my best friend got dumped by a fuck machine who called her the exact same thing, and I know her well enough to know that’s bullshit) but I realized tonight (took me long enough) that that is the most manipulative thing! She and I are both very naive and overly trusting girls. So when someone says something shitty about us, we automatically assume it must be true. But!!! The key to manipulation is, it implies purposeful deviousness, which was never something I did.
However! Calling someone something so mean knowing that they’ll believe you and question their sanity… now that’s manipulative. So I dodged a bullet there. He doesn’t deserve an apology. He deserves to go through all the bullshit they’ve been putting me through, because he’s the abusive one, and he doesn’t try to hide it.
The most infuriating part is that I can’t kick my stupid feelings for the dweeb. I had to see him the other night on camera. I was unprepared. And my dumb little tell-tale heart was racing and made my heart monitor go off, which I hope no one heard. I’ve struggled with the idea of maybe trying to meet new people and find something else, but I’ve come to decide that it’s worthless to even try. Nothing will ever make me as happy as we did, even when he wasn’t the best partner. He never beat me, at least, but he did hurt our daughter which is what I tried to make clear to the courts, but they said that they don’t care because it wasn’t recent. I argued, neither was the incident that got us here. And of course, they countered with the ever-weak “this isn’t about the incident, this is about your mental health.”
Right. Then why continue to contribute to its decline? Why was she taken following the incident? I argued that the incident was an anomaly… something that only happened one time in the entire history of ever, and I brought up the swabs I’d taken of the tea that I poured for everyone, but only I drank, and I demanded they be analyzed, but they refused. Where the fuck is the justice in that?
Riddle me this, kids: what’s more likely… that I randomly went batshit insane and thought my dead kid was locked in a van down the street, or that someone fucked with me by drugging me?
They go “how can you be sure that if someone drugged you, it wasn’t Matt?” Let me think… possibly because Matt isn’t the one who ghosted me while I was in the hospital and then bailed on me with his butt buddy the day I got home?? I mean, what do I know, though? I’m just a crazy bitch, clearly. 🙄
These people are the epitome of actual crazy. And I’m the scapegoat. Hah. What a bunch of bullshit.
Welp. Goodnight, my beloved void. I have to get up early for my quarterly harassment hearing. 👍🏻
Here is your soundtrack.
After some time alone with my thoughts, I’ve decided I won’t kill my blog. Not because I think that anyone cares what I have to say, but because there’s a lot of unpacking I have done here and plenty that I have left to do.
I suppose I want to start by discussing the state of loneliness in which I find myself. I know that I’ve spoken of it before, but mostly I’m frustrated bursts of anger surrounding the situation. But the anger has subsided now, and all I feel is sadness.
I am sad that all of my good friends blocked me right away after the incident. It isn’t fair to take the side of one person by default without hearing the other side. Further, it pains me to see that some of those friends have begun to harass me and some of my Instagram follows, seemingly out of anger that I have come out of my shell and found confidence in myself to post more risqué photos of myself for others to enjoy.
From what I can gather, that bitterness seems to stem from the fact that I am doing this rather than being with Ben. But surely they must know that I have tried desperately to work things out with him, only to be shut down each time.
The last time that I mailed him was on my birthday, which everyone conveniently forgot. I was lonesome and sad, and all I wanted for my birthday that I felt was within reason was to be heard. And so I sent him a very sweet email explaining that I still love him dearly and would give anything to work things out. He responded by threatening me with a restraining order. So… what more can I do?
If they think we should work things out and get back together, I’m not the one they should be harassing. And frankly, harassment is not the answer. Calm discussion wins out over harassment any day. But on the topic of harassment, I am sad also that my email was also called harassing, despite that nothing in it was mean or cruel. I simply wrote about my feelings for him… how I’ve always had them and always will, because I made a commitment to forever, and now I’m stuck here alone because of it.
I cannot see myself with another man. The thought makes me nauseous. Particularly when thoughts of intimacy come up. I simply can’t. I know that I had previously considered myself asexual due to a lack of sex drive. However, it’s become clear to me in recent months, since stopping the use of the cold pills, that I am not. I’m just attracted to one person. As for the lack of drive, that was not due to a lack of love for Ben.
You have to understand that you don’t know the full story. I began using heavily after I found out that he had been secretly chatting up a bunch of people online behind my back. It might not sound like a big deal to you, but for me, it was nauseating to find that the person I loved had been forming close relationships with people who knew plenty about me before I’d even heard of them. And he should have known how that would affect me given that during the same period of time, Matt had gotten a secret girlfriend who knew everything about us before we’d even heard of her.
Then, there’s this that I found today:
But it perfectly describes my feelings about him. And if that was how he felt, he should have known what it’s like to feel jealousy over the person you want to be one with… that you want to be included in all aspects of their life… and yet, this is what he considers as abusive behavior, which makes no sense to me. Frankly, I find it unfair.
But back to what I was saying about sex drive and the pills and all this. So when I found out about these people who eventually became mutual friends, I was torn between standing up for my feelings and reinforcing the boundaries that we had set for our relationship, and just burying those feelings so that he could be happy, or whatever.
He knew that I was hurt, and that pills would help numb the pain. And so he got them for me. And when he discovered that they killed jealousy and gave him the ability to do pretty much whatever without having to deal with my feelings, he chose to support their use, rather than come to some sort of agreement that could benefit us mutually without me having to resort to poisoning my body for his sole benefit.
Cold pills kill sex drive. And so… I started to think that I was asexual. But I made it clear to him that I was still willing to be intimate with him, he simply had to ask. But Ben was not one to ask. When he wanted intimacy, he thrust it on me in ways that made me uncomfortable. Particularly in the middle of the night when I was trying to sleep. He had a tendency to get grabby to an almost rapey level, and there were times I would literally have to sleep on the couch to get free so I could sleep.
I made it clear on multiple occasions that confronting me directly with his needs would be a much more efficient way of getting me… in the mood, for lack of a better term. Being told that you are desired is a much bigger turn on than sudden molestation. He was informed, but refused to take that route, and so as you would expect, intimacy declined.
I have no doubts that lack of sex was the main reason for his growing contempt for me. And it was no fault of mine, if I’m being honest. I laid down simple rules. And if he had had more interest in my health and our relationship than in just being able to get away with whatever, I wouldn’t have had to continue using. I did it in an attempt to make him happy and save our relationship, but ultimately, it would seem that it more succeeded in ending it.
I had encouraged him so many times to seek therapy or otherwise get some sort of help that could maybe make things better for him, but he refused each time. Even today, it was encouraged for him to get family therapy with me so that we could be on speaking terms, since the court randomly decided he gets to have Ivy, even though that was not part of the plan. My attorney said that was the best thing we could do, and that if he refused, we could bring that before the judge and use it as grounds to have her removed.
But I don’t want to have to take her from him. She was taken from me, and it’s done serious, permanent psychological damage to me. So why would I want to do that to him? However, I don’t feel comfortable with him being alone with her if he is still refusing help. Especially family therapy which can help all three of us, and which I desperately need if I’m ever going to fully heal.
Again, he refused. So… I have tried and tried and tried to work things out, to get him help, and to take small steps toward not throwing away what would have, in two days, been a 7 year relationship, and to not permanently destroy our child who only wants her family back.
So again, I say: Please stop directing your anger toward me. I have tried for him, and he simply does not want anything to do with me. If you really have feelings that strongly about us and our relationship, I’m not the one you need to talk to. I still love him more than I’ve ever loved anyone. That feeling isn’t going away, even when I wish it would.
I wasn’t always a picture perfect girlfriend, but I only did the best I could to try to accommodate the feelings of the man I loved. The fault of the end does not lie with me.
He asked me if I wanted him to come home. I told him I did. I even picked him a bouquet of wild flowers. But his friend took off with him and was ultimately the one who told me “it’s over, Sunny. You need to realize that.” That should have come from Ben. Not the friend who was notorious for trying to ruin our relationship in the past. And Ben should have known that just as well and not let his friend make his decisions for him.
Please stop harassing me, and especially stop harassing my followers. They aren’t even in this.
1. You don’t get to call me paranoid when you just up and bailed on me one day with zero discussion and refuse to talk to me about anything, plus when you straight up lie to me, tell me there’s no one else, and then start fucking around with multiple someone elses.
2. You don’t get to spy on my password protected extremely personal shit and then get pissed at me for checking out the shit you post publicly and then threaten to slap ME with a restraining order.
3. I’m getting “help” because it’s court ordered, not because I need it. Honestly, since I went off meds and I don’t have you to deal with, that’s been a gigantic fucking help. I feel better now than you EVER made me feel. And even more honestly, you need plenty more help, and you’re making it obvious to everyone by trash talking and belittling me for the issues I had that you only made worse.
4. How dare you get pissed at me for having suicidal thoughts, when you’re perfectly capable of the selfishness that it takes to purposely remove yourself completely from someone’s life and leave a giant gaping hole in it? I’m still here. I’ve survived. And if you hadn’t bailed on me, I’d still fucking be here trying to fix your fucked up ass. Suicidal thoughts are just thoughts. A lot of people have them, especially after losing a child. I went through several periods where I overcame them and tried to pick my life back up, but obviously, shit keeps raining down on me every time I get back up. And maybe if you’d actually been there for me when things got extremely shitty, instead of chatting up whores online and then moving it to physical shit, maybe I wouldn’t have gotten to the point that I did. You emotionally abandoned me when I needed your love and support more than ever.
5. You don’t get to fuck around when you said you supported my decision of being ace. If you didn’t support it, all you had to do was talk to me. I know that you have needs, and I believe that I even said that to you and asked you to talk to me if you ever felt like you were having trouble. You didn’t. So how fucking dare you?
6. This is all your fault. You did this. You treated me like shit when I needed you more than ever. You never asked me to stop. In fact, you liked it because it kept me out of your way. You liked me better when I took medicine. So the pills became my friend when you weren’t.
7. You’ve made it clear that you don’t give a shit about Ivy. You don’t care enough about she wants and needs to even *try* to fix things, and you’re too much of a chicken shit to even TALK to me without threatening me, so this means that I can’t share with you the things she does and makes, which you SHOULD be proud of. But you’ve shown that you only care about yourself, so why would you give a shit about your daughter and what she can do and the person she’s becoming? You don’t. And it shows. You can’t even be a man enough to fucking come to her BIRTHDAY PARTY which would mean more to her than whatever bullshit you BOUGHT her. She cannot he bought. She is a human child. And if you really loved her, you would know that.
Before I kill my account, I have one last thing to say.
All of you. The ones who were kinder than I deserved and the ones who treated me like complete shit. Thank you. I wouldn’t be who I am today without any of you, and I wouldn’t have learned the lessons I needed to learn.
Don’t get me wrong. I don’t appreciate being treated like fucking scum for simply having issues, mostly related to people consistently treating me like shit- more specifically the folks that treated me like shit for having problems due to being treated like shit and then dealt with it by doing the exact same things that gave me the complexes in the first goddamn place… you’re still shitty people and you should legitimately get help before you end up extremely depressed and alone…
But if it hadn’t been for you, I would never have learned to respect myself and stop taking bullshit. So, even though you fucked me up beyond any hope of complete repair, thank you for teaching me what shit to look out for sooner so that I can nip that shit in the bud in the future.
I hate goodbyes. It sickens me the amount of people that bail when the going gets tough. It’s a selfish, fuckboy behavior. So I’m not the type of person who nips people out forever. I’ll always welcome you back with open arms if you get help and quit being a slime ball. It’s in your hands. I’ve always been very forgiving, but the part of me that was overly trusting is dead now. Forever.
She’s not coming back. So. If you ever decide you wanna catch up again, make sure you’re a different person when you get back. I’m a different person than I was four months ago, and soon, I’ll be an even different person than the me who is currently writing this. That’s the beauty of life. Every day is another chance to improve and be better, which is something I never stop trying to become. And I hope that those of you who were shitty to me will also change for the better so that someday, we can be friends again.
But for now, this is goodbye.
I’m no longer interested in trying to write about what happened and get the truth out there, because I’ve come to understand that no one gives a flying fuck about me or hearing the truth, so that’s my burden to bear, and the only people who need to hear it are my lawyers.
In order to be better and get what I need out of life, I have to abandon any hope of support from “friends.” It’s just not in the cards for me. So I’m taking my leave from the Internet, and if we’re meant to meet again, we will. However.
Take care, folks.
I don’t say anything smart, and the words that come out of my brain are meaningless to anyone. This blog is a waste of data.
I’m probably going to kill it soon. I might kill my website, too, if I can get any of my money back from the payment I made for the year.
I don’t contribute anything worth while to the world. So I can at least quit stacking more garbage on top of the other garbage.
Happy birthday, Ao. You were a good friend…
Assuming heaven isn’t just another lie.
And happy drinking age birthday to my kid brother.
My birthday was five days ago. If anyone cares.