I love you. All of you. And I’m sorry for me.

Over the last, like, month and a half, I’ve been facing some extremely difficult times. In a lot of ways, they bring up PTSD from past traumas along similar lines. In other ways they are completely new and alien, and even more frightening. 

You guys, if you’re reading this message, you’ve been here through all of that. Some of you might have been incredibly unsupportive and insensitively cruel, but others have shown a world of love and compassion that I’ve never really received from anyone before. Regardless of which category you fall under, there are some common grounds that you share.

1 is, you’ve all been here and tolerated me through my worst, not just bailing when I’ve seemed like to much to handle. 

And 2 is, you’ve all probably been hurt by me at some point or other, or have at least been alienated by me during my struggles and alongside my problems. 

Whether your intentions were innocent with love and concern and empathy, or whether you were influenced by more sinister motives like spying and passing along my personal information to those who don’t have access to it for a reason, you’ve all, at least been *there*. 

So to those of you with good hearts who have been loving and not ditched out on me just because of the bad things I may have done, intentionally or not, or because of the slanderous propaganda certain people have spread about me, I want to thank you for your love and for being the sweet and amazing people you are. I don’t deserve any of you, yet you stay anyway. It means the world to me.

And for the other half who pretend to care, and sometimes at least try to, but only in ways that benefit you to some degree… to those who abuse my trust by leaking personal details about my life to people who only want to use that information to hurt me… I love you all the same. But I would appreciate if you would stop working against me and adding to my hurt.

I am still just a human being. A fragile, incredibly damaged, yet magically still alive and fighting human being. And more people would probably tell you that I am an incredibly strong and resilient woman with a burning will to live and a tenacity to keep picking myself up from the ashes and standing again each day, through more pain than the day before. A lot of them will tell you that I have personally been there for them during my own times of extreme pain and anguish just to be a hand to hold and a shoulder to lean on and a voice to whisper “you are not alone.” It is almost certain that you have been blessed to have me be that for you in your darkest hour without any inkling that it was also my darkest hour.

This is simply who I am. Who I have always been. I can’t help myself.

So if you are amongst the latter and have treated me like a child and given my feelings very little regard, and written me off as just being a head case or a whiny little child who can’t do anything for herself… I hope you will take a step back and try to recall the times when I’ve been there for you, or the times when I’ve suffered through alone because you refused to try to listen or understand me. I hope that maybe some of the people whose lives I’ve touched might come forward and tell you things about me that you didn’t know. And I want you to try to remember that I am not perfect. No one is. But god damn it if I don’t wake up every single day and put 100% of my energy into getting through it.
It may not seem good enough, and maybe it’s not. But it’s all I have. And I give it every single day of my life.

Going back to those loving friends and family, please know that I do and always have appreciated you more than I may sometimes let on. It is difficult to carry so much pain and stress on my shoulders constantly, and sometimes, I may slip or fall, or miss the turnoff where I should have found you to deliver some of my love to you each day. But none of it is ever lost. Some of it may just find its way to you in larger chunks sporadically. But you will always have it, especially of you find me first and give me a place to rest a while and unpack. I’m not a perfect friend, family member, or general person, but I have a deep love for all those in my life, and I’m always eager to show you that love. I’m just not always strong enough or courageous enough to reach out. But thank you for understanding this and loving me all the same.

I love all of you. Each of you. No matter our relationship. No matter how often we interact, and no matter any dumb little fights we may have had, or any pain we may have caused each other. I will always love you. Because that’s just how my heart is programmed.

If you have listened this far, thank you. If not, I don’t blame you. My feelings are still the same. I love you. And I’m sorry for me.

I’m just. I’m not meant to be happy.

No one wants that for me.

I don’t know what to do or how to be or what to pretend to feel or what I even feel anymore other than pain.

All I am now is just a whimpering, empty waste of everyone’s time and energy. No one needs me around.

No one wants me around. No one wants me to be happy, or to even try to make an effort to take a step to do anything that might in some small way result in my happiness.

I still can’t believe that Ben would be this cold. I trusted him so much deeper than anyone in the world. Even after he hurt me. I forgave. I moved on. He said he wouldn’t be just another evil ex. And I believed him.

And that’s the last fucking time I ever trust anyone with anything. Ever again.

All I have left is what’s left of me now. And what’s left of me is a rotting scab of a person that no one gives a fuck or a shit about and who only burdens everyone.

Of all the things I’ve done to hurt him, none of them have I ever not felt 100% like fucking shit for. And I’ve even apologized for “making him” hurt me, when the things he did to hurt me that really fucking hurt me were choices he made, that I shouldn’t have had to apologize for…

I mean. I justified everything he did to me by saying what everyone always says about everything when it comes down to me:

I probably deserved it.

‘Cause I don’t know. Maybe I really am a piece of shit person and maybe all the things I do to try to help others and make them feel better and cheer them up and help them find happiness…. are just tools that they can use against me later to hurt me.

I wasn’t even supposed to be born. No one wanted me. I was an accident. Why not just abort me then, like everyone else? And if not, then why not allow me the “my body my choice” option once I’m old enough to have lived and decided that I’m not really interested in living?

What’s the real difference between me and an unwanted pregnancy? Why is it always someone else’s choice who gets to live and who gets to die?

Maybe that aborted fetus would have grown up to have the best life imaginable. And maybe this fetus grew up to find out that its life would be nothing but shit upon shit over and over again, in a constant turbulent tide, and has now lived through too much shit to have the motivation or desire to keep going.

Why did fetus number one not get the chance to live that awesome life? And why can’t I opt out now that I’ve had my chance and found out what a piece of shit it is?

Always someone else’s choice.

And if I try to opt out, and I fail, everyone flips their goddamn shit and treats me like a freak or an asshole or a crazy person. Like I’ve done something illegal. Like I’m “selfish.”

But I mean… I’m not. Everyone in my life has been selfish with me and used me for their benefit until I ran out of use. And when my usefulness expired, there were always two options… throw me away like the garbage I am, or maybe keep me around. Maybe want me to be happy, regardless of usefulness. Maybe just love me for being a worthless garbage person.

But I’ve only ever been thrown away. So why, this one last time, can’t I just cut out the middle man and save you the trouble? You wouldn’t even have to take out the trash. I’d see myself out.

Why is that not a fair deal?

Been thinking things over.

Been thinking things over.

So. You know how no one ever listens to me about anything, ever? And then when the day comes where bad things happen— things could have been avoided if people would have just stopped spitting in my face and acting like I was a dumb idiot when I tried to help— I have to do the whole “I told you so” routine… But more with a whimper and less with a shout because being right isn’t always a glorious vindictive thing. Sometimes it’s just a soul crushing, head-in-hands, fully fleshed out freeze frame of the exact scenario you wanted to avoid, happening in front of your eyes in slo-mo so you can examine every painful detail in high definition, crystal clear helplessness.

Where I’m going with that is… well, it doesn’t start with Ben calling the cops on me and fucking us all over during an already fucked up apocalypse situation. It starts way back in winter when I said something big was coming. Something bad. And soon. It’s a feeling I get. And it’s only that. Sometimes people come to mind sometimes dreams I remember. It’s all disorganized. But I feel it, and I know it’s coming. But because it’s not a picture perfect theatrical dramatization of what a premonition looks like, no one listens. I can’t give a specific time and date? Well, then I’m just being stupid. But watch!

What day was it, I can’t remember exactly. I think it was in maybe February? I was up all night, because sometimes that happens when I start getting “the feeling.” I get scared and I start trying to prepare. No one would listen to me, and no one was interested in helping me the way I said I needed. Because no one ever does. And I stayed up all night, thinking about things, and lining up everything in my head and realized that the only one who would listen to me would be a woman, because the men in my life were being idiots. So I waited for my mom to wake up. And before she did, as I was sitting in the living room by the window, there was this loud bang that rattled the earth and made the power flicker. The sky went from normal early morning sky to bright cyan to black and back in a single moment during that bang.

Everyone who was awake heard it (mom and Garrett downstairs, him getting home from work and her getting ready for work). That’s the only proof I had that it was real.

Anyway. When my mom finally woke up, I started trying to tell her some the things I had been thinking about. And my mom, well. She can be… my mom. Sometimes she’s here, sometimes she’s there, and she’s almost always distracted with something else. But she at least listened to me when I told not to go to work that day, and that she needed to talk to her dad. One of the things I felt strongly about that night/morning was dads. I told my mom some things that I knew my grandpa hadn’t been able to tell her himself because he didn’t know how. And so she stayed home that day, and she talked with him.

I had also been thinking about Ben. It was the night that I was trying to convey my feelings to him in a way that he could understand, but he got drunk and passed out instead. I sat with him as long as I could and tried to get him to remember a very important thing. I don’t know if he remembered it. Or if he does now. But I know what it was. And I also know that that was the same night I told him that if the world was ending and he told me to take his hand and a leap of faith into the unknown that could potentially save us, that I absolutely would. Because I trusted him.

And he said he felt the same way about me. Right before he passed out.

Thats what I’m hung up on right now. I have always trusted Ben more than anyone else. I never questioned it. He hurt me in a lot of ways that hurt my trust, but I always forgave him and held his hand and moved into the future with him.

Everyone who knows me knows that getting the police involved in our personal affairs is automatically dead to me, because things always get worse than they already were. But remember how I’m forgiving? Ben is the love of my life. It hurt my trust and caused the start of this gigantic endless shit storm we’re in now.

But because I loved him and I trusted him, I forgave him because I knew that in his heart, he thought he was doing what was best.

And I was ready to take his hand again and work together to work things out so that we could get Ivy back without any shitty custody battles and shit. And he seemed like he was ready to come home and work things out too. But his shitty fuckfaced dickhead of a so-called best friend took off with him and started feeding him all the bullshit about how Sunny’s a piece of shit, and a bitch, and you don’t need her. You just meed us! The toxic people you left behind who hurt you and let you get hurt and didn’t help you get any justice for yourself! Woman bad, bro good!! Bros before hoes!! ET CETERA.

And that’s when he suddenly stopped being the Ben I knew and trusted. He started acting like an idiot and making the worst possible choices for his daughter by shutting me out when I need him most.

But I’m not blaming everything on Ben, because I know his heart, and I know that those disgusting hurtful words didn’t come from his heart. They came from the clouds that certain people using to fog up his head. And I can’t trust him when he’s like that. But it’s not all his fault.

The system in place is mostly at fault right now. Things are out of fucking hand. Look where we are. Our family is torn apart and separated and everyone’s talking smack about everyone else and meanwhile shit like this is going on outside:

Last night, I went to bed early and cried myself to sleep (again.) But not for myself. Not for my pain. But for the fact that the world was already a shitty place before the incident, and our family was all we had until the government’s finest decided to break us all up and separate us.

Matt and I were watching things happening in real time in our area from someone’s live stream, and we were scared. And all I could think was that god fucking damn it, if Ben and Ivy were here I would feel like we were all together and safe. And then I started thinking “holy fuck, how messed up even is this? If something happens to any of us before we can be reunited, I’m going to be a force to be reckoned with.

I want what’s best for my daughter. And I was hoping that that would include her father. But if he really cared about what was best for her, he would see that too, and he’d stop blowing me off. He’d talk to me. He’d come home and work things out with me and be here for me when I need his love and support the most so that we can work together as the badass team we always were to get things done lickety split and get our baby girl home safe and we can all get the therapy we each need. Working as a family.

But he’s not. He’s focused on doing whatever stupid ass bullshit people are telling him to do, instead of thinking for himself with his heart like the person I fell in love with.

And that makes me angry and sad. But I have no choice. If he’s making shitty choices for his daughter, then I’m not letting him anywhere near her ever again. I didn’t want to have to do custody battles and put Ivy through that. She doesn’t deserve that. But she also doesn’t deserve a father who cares more about himself than about what’s best for his family as a whole. So from now on, I’m going to focus on getting her back to me asap and as hard as it’s gonna hurt, I’m just going to have to force myself to hate him and forget him, because that’s how I get over people, and it’s always worked really well.

Actually, and this is weird, but in the last, like, week, two of my ancient exes from the past randomly reached out to me to apologize for the past. And that was weird, but it felt great. Apologies always feel great. But now I kind of feel like I’m in some weird Scott Pilgrim alternate universe where I’m Ramona and my Evil Exes are coming back to help me and fight against Scott (aka Ben). In this case, to get back my daughter and make him fight for us if he really loves us.

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Orsomethinglikethat/randomfanciction/end.////

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I apologize for that. But yes. I’m working on my first sketch up for my Finnish dude, so I’ll be getting my first trickle in as soon as I stop writing this blog and actually get to work. XD

TL:DR:

New goals, new plans. Making sure Ivy gets what she needs and deserves, even if that means removing her shitty asshole father from her life. I know her best. I love her most. And I’m going to just work on my projects, get paid, and do whatever bullshit they ask me to do to prove that I am a sane and rational adult woman and mother who just does what she needs to do to get by every day so that she can be her best self for her little girl. 🙂

I got you, baby girl. Mama’s coming. God, I miss her so much. I can’t wait to play with her again. I miss her. I miss her voice. I miss her cute face. And I miss the fun little things we did together when daddy wasn’t around being a jerk.

We’ll get that back soon. I am a lion with dragon wings. I can breathe fire and fly.

No one will stand in between me and my baby cub. ❤ We’re strong girls. So just stay strong a little longer, baby bee.

Mommy’s coming.

Why now?

I thought things were scary in here. And I mean, yeah. It’s rough feeling completely alone with your family all separated and everything. That’s scary as hell.

But outside these walls, the world is going crazy. People are rioting, people are getting killed. There’s a curfew now… like… it feels like the end of the world.

I survived a day I didn’t intend to live through, and then woke up feeling this overwhelming peace. And then I came out and heard about what was going on out there, and I decided to go back to bed, so I could keep it to myself until Matt got home, but apparently he didn’t wake me when he got home.

So it’s like 18:30 when I get up and find out that it’s gotten worse. And now I’m just like… in shock.

I don’t have the time for this CPS juvenile court bullshit. I want my family back. We don’t need to be fucking separated like this during this shit. If something happens and I never see or hear from Ben or Ivy ever again thanks to this shit CPS bullshit, I’m going to just go out there and join the riots. What else could I possibly lose then, other than my life, which already feels meaningless without my daughter and my best friend.

Look man, I had a random breakdown in the middle of my life probably due to a medication mixup on top of a brain infection. Obviously, I’m not dancing around screaming at people and acting like a paranoid schizophrenic. It was a fucking isolated event. I’ve never been like that before. I don’t think it’ll happen again.

And I’m down for carrying on with psychological whoozits and whatzits they need me to go through and all, but like… keeping us apart like this is not only exacerbating my own personal PTSD as well as probably Ben’s and Ivy’s, but it’s really also just keeping people separated from their loved ones at a time when we need each other’s comforting presence more than anything.

And I’m not even allowed to talk to Ben, and I only get to see Ivy on a telephone screen a few times a week for like 30 minutes, tops. Oh, and I’m supposed to stifle my fear, unmedicated, while being thrown into a traumatic experience which calls back to former traumatic experiences, which reawakens all those previous feelings of fear and hopelessness…

So yeah, good job guys. Good job. Good fucking job always trying to help situations by doing what you think is best, rather than doing what the family needs. Ugh.

Like 99.9% of the traumas I’ve been through in my life were exacerbated by people doing “what’s best for me”‘instead of doing what I needed to feel safe.

Like dragging me off and throwing me in a cage THREE SEPARATE TIMES, simply for not having the mental well-being to feel motivated enough to go to school after having my girlfriend at the time being forcibly separated from me over a matter of a 3 year age difference + military lgbt intolerance and forbidden from contacting each other.

Like being suddenly evacuated from my home in 2005 and separated from all my friends, most of whom I never saw again, and relocated to a place that was a lot less safe than my previous home, only to get sucked into situations involving drugs and sexual abuse.

Like losing my 8-year-old son to brain cancer.

Like getting evicted from our ten year home just a year later.

So yeah. I’ve been through a lot of fucking shit, and those are just a few examples.

STOP FUCKING PUTTING ME AND MY FAMILY THROUGH MORE TRAUMA IN ORDER TO TREAT TRAUMA CAUSED BY AN ISOLATED EVENT. IF YOU FUCKS WOULD HAVE JUST LEFT US ALONE AND LET ME GET REST AND GET TO MY MRI, THE BRAIN ABCESS WOULD HAVE PROBABLY SHOWN UP ON THAT AND I COULD HAVE GOTTEN THE MEDICAL ATTENTION I NEEDED TO BETTER A LOT MORE QUICKLY.

God damn it. >_< Every single time someone does what *they* think I need instead of letting me explain what I need and giving me that, things just get worse. Fucking A.

I’m sick of it all.

Oh and I probably didn’t mention this to anyone but Matt, but I also had some problems during this whole bullshit that were painful and to go through and traumatic as well, that I’m not even going to talk about here because it’s between me and myself and Ben who isn’t talking to me. I tried to get hold of him about it, but he was ignoring me, probably on someone else’s authority. So all I’m going to say is that it was a very distressing and traumatic event that I had to suffer through completely alone.

I just want my family back. If they want us to do therapy, great. That can be done using the amazing technology of the 21st century! But stop keeping us apart. Stop keeping us from talking.

This is bullshit.

This just in…

Breaking news, folks. We’ve finally realized the missing piece of the puzzle! And it’s sad, but it’s true. But we’re taking no prisoners here, so let’s just cut the crap and bring you just the facts, ma’am!

Nobody actually cares about how Sunny feels!

-General Consensus

Oof, that’s a doozy. Sometimes the truth is a hard pill to swallow. And we all know that Sunny has trouble swallowing large pills, so let’s just hope that this massive honking tablet of truth doesn’t get stuck in her throat and block her airways… Or perhaps, maybe it’s for the better if it does. She’s one tough gal, but she’s suffered so much in her short, three-decade stretch of a life, that perhaps putting her out of her misery may be the more humane approach.

We’ll see how she handles it, and keep you updated on this story as it develops. In the event that someone out there actually does care how Sunny feels, call our station toll free at +1 (531) 301-2235 to find out how you can help! You can also reach our station by text using the same number. To do so, simply state your name and and give a short description of how you wish to help, and our station will get back to you as soon as possible!

Have a great day folks, and remember that we are a locally owned public station, so we will not tolerate any malicious behavior.

We bring you now to today’s mixtape submitted by Sunny herself, actually. It’s quite an eclectic conglomeration of different feelings featuring some songs dedicated to her former partner, and others that simply vibe with her recent feelings. So turn on, tune in, and drop out now! We hope you enjoy today’s mix.

Thursday Mix Submitted by Sunny the Dummy

16:38 is the current time, and we’re back with just a quick update on today’s big news. As we thought, the truth was hard to swallow, but she managed to choke it down all the same. Good on her, we suppose, but there’s still the question in the back of our minds…

Well, to give a little more insight, we have just gotten wind of a little nugget from Sunny herself. Taking you now to that…

Oh, Sunny, Sunny, Sunny…

Tsk. Well. That’s all we have for you now, folks. We hope you’ve enjoyed this day’s broadcast.

My new normal…

I’m most vulnerable in the mornings. Usually because I wake up in tears because I was dreaming that Ben was in bed next to me like usual, or that Ivy was climbing on me to wake me up. But when I open my eyes, it’s just me, all alone. As always now.

I wake up hours before my alarm goes off. Which I guess is good, because it gives me time to lay in bed and cry until I can’t breath and then figure out how to proceed from there.

I usually get up, take my morning meds, make coffee, and crawl back to my room to get ready for whatever bullshit awaits me that day. Usually it’s composing myself and pretending to be Tour Guide fucking Barbie so that I can actually have video visits with my daughter without showing her that I’m dying on the inside.

And the visits require a lot of setup with little payoff. She gets side-tracked and always wants to talk to daddy more, and other such things that just break my heart. And when the visit is over, more crying. More missing her so much.

I’m so tired of being told what’s best for me and what I need to do to be a good mom. I’ve been doing what it takes to be a good mom, but no one is okay with that.

You know how on planes, they always tell you to put your oxygen mask before helping your child? Yeah. That’s because you can’t help your child if you’re incapacitated. And being emotionally distraught is incapacitating.

I want Ben to talk to me. I want to work things out somehow, even if it’s just enough to be able to have civilized conversations and stop ghosting me in every conceivable way. Because that’s not doing me any favors as a mom who is trying to be better for her daughter. Or for my health in general.

So I go about my day trying to keep myself busy with cleaning and organizing and chores, etc, while also trying my best to just keep swimming through all the emotional lashings from my mom who is on everyone’s side but mine on every subject ever and always has been, and tells me that everything is all my fault and that I deserve everything that’s happening to me. Tells me why Ben hates me and why shouldn’t he, and that Ivy’s happier and better off without me, and so is everyone else, so BASICALLY JUST SUICIDE GOADING.

I usually retire to my room after that and cry some more while I try to work on whatever work I have to do that day.

I never eat unless someone forcibly shoves food in my face. And then I choke it down the best I can so as not to be rude, and hope I don’t throw up. All so my mom can come back later and sneer at me and tell me that I expect everyone else to wait on me hand and foot. Not even the case. I just can’t feel like eating is pleasurable or important, when there are two gaping holes in my heart where Ben and Ivy used to live.

I feel that emptiness on a physical level. It’s nauseating and exhausting.

No one cares. Like, legitimately. Thanks to mostly Brandon, but probably also Ben while under the influence of fuckboy Brandon, most of my friends have packed their suitcases and jumped on to Pro-Ben, Fuck-Sunny bandwagon.

Yes. Ben and I had problems. Yes, we were both reaching a breaking point. But it was no one fucking else’s place to get involved. Ben and I have historically been able to work things out by talking and reasoning, and maybe taking a few days off from each other while still being present for Ivy. And that always worked for us. Matt is our friend and part of our strange little family, and he always does the best he can to talk to both of us separately and together to help us work things out. That’s why we make such a good team.

But Ben hasn’t been himself since he left. And I don’t deny my share of responsibility in that. But everyone else takes their part of the blame and throws it at me and makes me carry to around for them until everyone hates me, and I hate myself.

At the end of the day, I’m usually too exhausted to do much more than crawl into bed and take my night pills before passing out, sometimes after crying extensively, if I have the energy left for that.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

Toss random attempts at yoga, breathing exercises, and journaling in there just as a little peppering throughout. Maybe some shit attempts at art or music.

Nothing helps.

I still love him and I need him. And that just isn’t going to change with any amount of bullshit therapy or medication. He’s ghosted. He’s made himself dead to me. A ghost. It’s no easier than when someone you love dies. It’s the same gaping, bleeding, empty, nauseous feeling of utter hopelessness and pointlessness. Nothing is enjoyable. You just put on a mask and meander through each day shining your happy smiling porcelain teeth while sobbing uncontrollably underneath it and hoping that no one notices.

I miss them both so much I could just die.

But I’m not even allowed to do that. I’m not even allowed to say that I wish I could do that, because then I’m unstable and crazy and dangerous.

But if I take the pills that help numb the pain, then I’m an addict, and so also unstable and crazy and dangerous.

So.

I don’t know what the fuck the world wants from me, or what I’m supposed to do.

I’m dying on the inside and its working its way outward.

._. I have to go dress up and play happy now and prepare for my depression video visit with my baby girl. T__T

Excuse any typos. I don’t have time to fix them right now.

Bureaucracy

Court was invented for the purpose of having trials in order to decide when the next hearing will be. At the next hearing, the time and date of the upcoming trial will be discussed. At this trial, the judge will decide if the next hearing will be soon, or whether it would be best to drag the case on as long as possible. Regardless, at the future hearing, the court will come to an agreement on when the next court date shall be. Once everyone is in favor of the date, they will congregate once again on said date to discuss how long the case needs to drag on. If you are fortunate, you may find that court need not proceed much longer. On the other hand, if you are not so fortunate, you may potentially spend the rest of of your natural life in an endless string of court dates until you become too incapacitated to attend further hearings, by which time all further hearings will be via teleconference. Should you fail to attend the final hearing, you shall be sentenced to death, unless already deceased.