Hold on just a little while longer…

Today in Benson.

Keep fighting. Never stop. Never give up.

I’m saying these words, and I’m sitting here kicking my own ass. I see all these people outside fighting the power, fighting for justice and for what they want, and it fills me with joy…

But then I sit here and post fucking blogs about the shitty situation I’m in, instead of going out there and fucking fighting for what matters to me too. For what I want. In common, we all want the same thing. Freedom. Unity. Equality. Justice. Peace. Take down the powers that be. Be powerful as individuals. As communities.

Stop treating us like animals to be controlled and confined. Stop dictating our lives. Let us handle ourselves and help each other. Put the power in the hands of the people. Quit trying to “help” by causing more pain. Stop forcing what you perceive as our “best interests” on us while we scream and cry and tell you in BOLD FACED WORDS that YOU ARE FUCKING HURTING US.

I will not rest until I get what I get what I want. And what I want is my fucking family back.

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I WANT MY FUCKING FAMILY BACK.

At least the ones that are still alive and being kept from me. I love you Faron. I miss you so much, and I wish you were here, my BFF. At the same time, I am happy that you don’t have to be here in this disgusting world dealing with all the horrible things that are happening. I have to think that you gave your life to give me the strength to make it out of this. When I do, and when it’s all finally over, I will hug you and kiss you and give you my life so that that you can have another chance to start again in this world that we are fighting to save, once we succeed.
And we will succeed. Because we will never, ever give up.

Restart.

You have suffered hard, and now you are pure. Take a deep breath and soak up the rain. Your next exhale will breathe life into your fresh start. Go forth now with your newfound strength and conquer the demons that held you down. Be fearless.

Don’t apologize.

Finding myself; Life as an Apsie Ace (or) Living as an asexual with Asperger’s

There’s so much I need to figure out. Some days I feel like who I am is slipping further and further into some cosmic void, while other days I feel like parts of me that I’d been stifling are coming out of hiding again.

I’m pretty sure that I unintentionally broke my best friend’s heart, and I never knew because she never told me. And I only just discovered this recently after a lot of critical thinking over a long period of time.

It explains a lot. How she refuses ever to speak to me again. I’m like an ex to her. I broke her heart, and talking to me is too painful. I get it. I get it, but it’s not fair to me. It hurts.

How could I have possibly known something that was never said to me? That when I tried to confront, was buried under layers of denial and fear because she was too afraid of her own feelings to come out and say them to me…

That’s just so unfair, and it hurts so much more than I can express in words… it suddenly now feels like I had this girlfriend that I never officially broke up with, and now we’re actually officially breaking up and it’s soul-crushing.

Fuck that, I don’t deserve to pay the price because she was too afraid to be honest to herself OR me. It’s so unfair.

Especially because, like… things could’ve been so much different.

I’ve always been weird about my sexuality… trying to fit in somewhere, but never feeling comfortable. I’ve chased so many friends away with weird feelings that they couldn’t understand because they’re just not like me, and I guess a lot of that might be because of the autism thing, but…

Early this year, sometime in March, I think. Maybe even earlier actually, March was just when I came out. So I’m thinking maybe January or February was when it suddenly dawned on me that I’m really just asexual.

Hah. After a lifetime of weird social pressures and trying to figure myself out… exploring orientations, struggling with relationships, and even having a couple of children, I finally came to this realization. Trying to explain it to my partner, to the father of my daughter, it was… difficult. But he was surprisingly understanding and supportive, and we’ve been able to work out an agreement of sorts.

But I think this is majorly why I’ve struggled with friendships.

When I really like someone… like, I feel a really strong emotional connection like best fucking friends, I end up alienating them with my weird aspie, asexual freakishness, which is partially stigmatized by our overly-sexualized society, lumping everything into these tight, black and white boundaries.

There IS such a thing as wanting to be more than friends, but less than sexual partners. And this is so alien to normies that it really prevents me from forming lasting relationships with anyone, even people I thought I was close with. Because wanting to express love, wanting to be cozy or cuddly comes off to them as coming onto them, which is an odd turn of phrase, but… that’s the best way I can put it. And they can’t reciprocate because they’ve been taught that these behaviors can only be expressed between two people in a romantic relationship. It creeps them out to think of being closer than what they perceive as the normal line in the sand that separates “just friends” and “exclusive partnership.”

And this is especially hard as an aspie, because physical contact is so complicated. I’m so excruciatingly uncomfortable being touched by anyone I’m not super familiar with, and even blood relatives I have a difficult time with.

Platonic physical affection is something I want to have between besties. I want to be able to say “I love you” without it being this huge horrible mess of confusion and anxiety. I want to be able to hold hands, or lean on them without either of us feeling that ping of fear that it may, or needs to go any further than just that.

Not having that leaves me feeling oddly rejected, unwanted, creepy, and just… overall pretty crappy. And the fact that I wanted that leaves them feeling violated, alienated, and overall crappy.

It creates a very awkward and uncomfortable relationship, which ends up just kind of falling apart pretty quickly after that.

Roughly 1% of the population is asexual. About 1% of the world’s population is on the autism spectrum at all. The likelihood of an aspie ace finding other aspie aces to surround themselves with is astronomically low. And so it is a very isolating existence filled with all the mental illnesses that stem from the loneliness, the unstable relationships, the tendency to be abused because you thought you found someone who could love you the way that you are, and that was so important to you that you would do anything for them, even if it was truly agonizing for you.

From a childhood of being beaten and bullied for things you couldn’t control or didn’t know you were doing wrong because you were “different.” From bits of physical and emotional abuse from parents, guardians, and caregivers who didn’t understand you, and thought you were just a really shitty kid because you were never officially diagnosed with this stupid rare disorder that is even more rarely recognized in females because it presents differently, and much less research has been done on them because of it.

So, by this point in my life and in my story, I am 30 years old. I have been through more mental and emotional trauma that the average person simply by existing, and on top of that have suffered through hurricanes, heartbreaks, losing my 8-year-old son to brain cancer, AND losing my ten-year home just a year later!

So yes, I am a very screwed up person with a lot of emotional baggage. Yes, I have tried countless times to kill myself. Yes. I’m a “crazy person.” But I’m still alive. I’m still dragging myself through every day of my pathetic waste of a life, still clinging onto some hope that maybe I’ll find a way to get better. Some way to be accepted for who I am without having to take all sorts of pills and other substances to suppress that person and be who society wants me to be, instead.

It is a full time job. A constant, unrelenting, strangulating struggle. But I’m here still.

And so I just want to say that if you are an aspie, or an ace, or an aspie-ace, listen to me:

You are not alone. 1% is not equal to just one. On a large scale, it’s actually a lot. And though we may be scattered so thinly across the entire planet, we are not alone in the world. So reach out to me if you feel alone and need someone to relate to. I am here for you, even during my struggle, because that is just the person I’ve always been.

And if you know someone with Asperger’s, or is asexual, or both, or if you know someone who makes you uncomfortable by wanting to be closer than you feel okay with… please just try to be understanding. We can’t help the way we are any more than you can. We don’t ask you to breach your comfort boundaries for us. We just ask that you be aware of who we are and to please be accepting and understanding of that person, and to not push us away or shut us out. We need your love and friendship more than you could ever understand. And the difference you make in someone’s life could be the difference between life and death.