Hold on just a little while longer…

Today in Benson.

Keep fighting. Never stop. Never give up.

I’m saying these words, and I’m sitting here kicking my own ass. I see all these people outside fighting the power, fighting for justice and for what they want, and it fills me with joy…

But then I sit here and post fucking blogs about the shitty situation I’m in, instead of going out there and fucking fighting for what matters to me too. For what I want. In common, we all want the same thing. Freedom. Unity. Equality. Justice. Peace. Take down the powers that be. Be powerful as individuals. As communities.

Stop treating us like animals to be controlled and confined. Stop dictating our lives. Let us handle ourselves and help each other. Put the power in the hands of the people. Quit trying to “help” by causing more pain. Stop forcing what you perceive as our “best interests” on us while we scream and cry and tell you in BOLD FACED WORDS that YOU ARE FUCKING HURTING US.

I will not rest until I get what I get what I want. And what I want is my fucking family back.

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I WANT MY FUCKING FAMILY BACK.

At least the ones that are still alive and being kept from me. I love you Faron. I miss you so much, and I wish you were here, my BFF. At the same time, I am happy that you don’t have to be here in this disgusting world dealing with all the horrible things that are happening. I have to think that you gave your life to give me the strength to make it out of this. When I do, and when it’s all finally over, I will hug you and kiss you and give you my life so that that you can have another chance to start again in this world that we are fighting to save, once we succeed.
And we will succeed. Because we will never, ever give up.

I love you. All of you. And I’m sorry for me.

Over the last, like, month and a half, I’ve been facing some extremely difficult times. In a lot of ways, they bring up PTSD from past traumas along similar lines. In other ways they are completely new and alien, and even more frightening. 

You guys, if you’re reading this message, you’ve been here through all of that. Some of you might have been incredibly unsupportive and insensitively cruel, but others have shown a world of love and compassion that I’ve never really received from anyone before. Regardless of which category you fall under, there are some common grounds that you share.

1 is, you’ve all been here and tolerated me through my worst, not just bailing when I’ve seemed like to much to handle. 

And 2 is, you’ve all probably been hurt by me at some point or other, or have at least been alienated by me during my struggles and alongside my problems. 

Whether your intentions were innocent with love and concern and empathy, or whether you were influenced by more sinister motives like spying and passing along my personal information to those who don’t have access to it for a reason, you’ve all, at least been *there*. 

So to those of you with good hearts who have been loving and not ditched out on me just because of the bad things I may have done, intentionally or not, or because of the slanderous propaganda certain people have spread about me, I want to thank you for your love and for being the sweet and amazing people you are. I don’t deserve any of you, yet you stay anyway. It means the world to me.

And for the other half who pretend to care, and sometimes at least try to, but only in ways that benefit you to some degree… to those who abuse my trust by leaking personal details about my life to people who only want to use that information to hurt me… I love you all the same. But I would appreciate if you would stop working against me and adding to my hurt.

I am still just a human being. A fragile, incredibly damaged, yet magically still alive and fighting human being. And more people would probably tell you that I am an incredibly strong and resilient woman with a burning will to live and a tenacity to keep picking myself up from the ashes and standing again each day, through more pain than the day before. A lot of them will tell you that I have personally been there for them during my own times of extreme pain and anguish just to be a hand to hold and a shoulder to lean on and a voice to whisper “you are not alone.” It is almost certain that you have been blessed to have me be that for you in your darkest hour without any inkling that it was also my darkest hour.

This is simply who I am. Who I have always been. I can’t help myself.

So if you are amongst the latter and have treated me like a child and given my feelings very little regard, and written me off as just being a head case or a whiny little child who can’t do anything for herself… I hope you will take a step back and try to recall the times when I’ve been there for you, or the times when I’ve suffered through alone because you refused to try to listen or understand me. I hope that maybe some of the people whose lives I’ve touched might come forward and tell you things about me that you didn’t know. And I want you to try to remember that I am not perfect. No one is. But god damn it if I don’t wake up every single day and put 100% of my energy into getting through it.
It may not seem good enough, and maybe it’s not. But it’s all I have. And I give it every single day of my life.

Going back to those loving friends and family, please know that I do and always have appreciated you more than I may sometimes let on. It is difficult to carry so much pain and stress on my shoulders constantly, and sometimes, I may slip or fall, or miss the turnoff where I should have found you to deliver some of my love to you each day. But none of it is ever lost. Some of it may just find its way to you in larger chunks sporadically. But you will always have it, especially of you find me first and give me a place to rest a while and unpack. I’m not a perfect friend, family member, or general person, but I have a deep love for all those in my life, and I’m always eager to show you that love. I’m just not always strong enough or courageous enough to reach out. But thank you for understanding this and loving me all the same.

I love all of you. Each of you. No matter our relationship. No matter how often we interact, and no matter any dumb little fights we may have had, or any pain we may have caused each other. I will always love you. Because that’s just how my heart is programmed.

If you have listened this far, thank you. If not, I don’t blame you. My feelings are still the same. I love you. And I’m sorry for me.

Restart.

You have suffered hard, and now you are pure. Take a deep breath and soak up the rain. Your next exhale will breathe life into your fresh start. Go forth now with your newfound strength and conquer the demons that held you down. Be fearless.

Don’t apologize.