Dance, monkey, dance.

In a few weeks, it will be the anniversary of the incident that ruined my life. After all this time, I am still left with only vague, spotty memories of what happened and only working theories about why it happened. I know that at this point, the why matters very little, but it would really help for my own peace of mind to know why things happened the way they did.

My current best theory (after finding evidence of similar occurrences in other patients under the same conditions) is that I missed days of doses of a certain medication. The medication requires tapering on and off. I was tapered all the way up to 150mg when I abruptly (and unintentionally) stopped taking it. This can cause psychotic breaks. It is possible and probable that the self medication exacerbated that problem. The hospital immediately started me straight back onto 150mg again without tapering, and from there, I was on and off with it, pleading to be allowed to stop, as I didn’t like how it was making me feel, and thus, for a few months after, I was still not entirely myself.

That’s my best theory on the why, though it hardly matters. What should matter is the massive stack of papers from over six months of negative drug tests. The months of therapy and progress. The completion of every task ordered of me by the courts and those involved. For the past year, I have done nothing but comply with orders. I have been obedient in every way under the pretense that my compliance was how I would get my daughter back.

Now I’ve been told that custody isn’t an option. I literally cannot get her back. And what’s more, I’ve been informed that I will be expected to pay child support. After all the work I’ve done to fight for my child, this is what it’s coming down to. Expected to pay to have my child taken. The child I spent nine months creating inside my body and painfully birthed. And I have to pay money to never see her again.

Child support should be reserved for garbage parents who willingly walk away from their child’s life to avoid responsibility. Not for loving parents who fought their ass off for their child, only to have all the fighting be not good enough for the people involved with the case.

This will completely ruin my life. Not only will I be refused the right to participate in my daughter’s life, but I will have to pay money to be denied that right, which will in turn ensure that I will never be able to move out of my mom’s house, as I will not be able to afford rent/mortgage payments plus bills, gas, food, etc.

I cannot express the way I feel. To have my entire life and future destroyed over a one-time incident that wasn’t even entirely in my control, but was probably brought on by a long chain of events that started with losing my son and my home and being denied the help that I was actively trying to get… Now I’ve lost the love of my life and will be losing my daughter as well. And all because I was a victim of circumstance.

I didn’t really want any of it. And in being denied help and only getting fed garbage medications that just made me feel worse, I had to make a decision. And I’m sorry that it was the wrong decision, truly I am, but I’m not sorry that I made a decision to try to help myself. I know now that it was the wrong decision. Shouldn’t that be enough? Should I really be forced to suffer the entire rest of my life simply for doing the only thing in my power to try to be better?

No one was hurt. Especially not my child. I was able to love her and do things with her and comfort her when she needed it, which was not something I was able to do when I was emotionally exhausted and sleeping 16 hours a day. The incident and whatever caused it was not directed at her in any way. I was not hostile or violent toward her. And the only reason I was “violent” toward her dad (if you consider tossing an iPad and a MacBook to be violent) was because he came in and started harassing me and wouldn’t leave when I asked. I have very few memories of what happened those terrible few days, but I do remember that. Because the police wouldn’t arrest me if I wasn’t violent, and so “violence” was instigated.

If that one choice hadn’t been made… either by him to instigate violence, or by me to get him to leave and stop harassing me by any means necessary… then I wouldn’t be in this terrible nightmare scenario. I just wanted to go to sleep.

I wish so much that I had. I wish that I’d fallen asleep before he came in. Or any of the days prior. Why wasn’t I able to sleep for three days? Again, the why is not important anymore. What is important is that nothing even similar ever happened before or after since that single, isolated incident. What is important that I’ve worked hard and fought hard for the last year to prove myself to be a fit parent and a decent human being. What is important is that I love my daughter more than life and would do anything for her.

At least, those things should be important, if those working on the case were truly honest when telling me that all my efforts were to get my child back. Unfortunately, it was all lies. I suspected as much from the beginning, but they continued to reassure me that all they wanted was my success and that their goal was reunification. And maybe the reunification bit was where the deceit was. They wanted to reunify her, yes. Just… not with me, as I’m finding out.

Meanwhile, other forces are at work to destroy what life I have left, but I’m not at liberty to discuss those things publicly.

There isn’t much I can do anymore. I’m powerless and defeated. I can’t even hope for anything at this point. There’s nothing left to hope for. It’s all gone.