Words.

I want to speak. I want to say something. But what can I say that hasn’t already been said a thousand times? I’m hurting inside and I’m angry and I just want it to stop, but things keep getting worse. So what can I say that will be any different this time?

I could slam my fists down on the ground and weep, but would it even help at this point? Or would it just be another thing to be used against me as a weapon to ruin the rest of my life? Because in this situation, the only one whose past actions have any weight is me. Everyone else is absolved of their past, because it’s in the past, and what matters is now. Except for me.

What really grinds my gears today is that none of my concerns are valid when they’re mine. But then someone else says they have a concern and it’s a carbon copy of what I’ve been trying like hell to get across while everyone’s covering their ears and looking away. And when the concern becomes someone else’s, hold the fucking phone here, we have a crisis on our hands, and who do they blame? Me. The person who originally said “hey, I have this concern.”

I only see my daughter 3 times a week for 3 hours a pop. I expressed concerns that she wasn’t eating well, she tells me she gets fed garbage food, and she will no longer eat anything with nutritional value. All the fruits and vegetables she used to like? She won’t touch them now. Even shrimp, which she adored, now she won’t touch it. So when it’s my concern, their excuse is “well, we’ve looked in the pantry.” Big deal? That doesn’t really tell you what she’s eating.

So today, they want to bring up their concerns that they have with me, and they bring up “Well, we’re concerned about her eating properly. She doesn’t like fruits and vegetables, errrr.” Funny, I think I already said that, but okay. Make it a beef with me, never mind the fact that I’m the one who brought it up in general. Now it’s my cross to bear. Even though I only see her 3 times a week for 3 hours.

I cook her food. I cook her what I know she’ll eat while trying to make sure it’s going to have substantial nutritional value. I have cooked her my own homemade stuffed shells and manicotti so she will eat tomatoes without even realizing it. I have cooked her chicken curry with onions and rice. It’s not my fault she stopped eating healthy foods. She was eating fine when she was with the foster parents. I would literally witness her eating things like stir fry during our video calls.

It wasn’t until she was pulled out of that situation that her eating habits went south. That’s when she stopped liking fruits, vegetables, and certain proteins. If they would’ve listened to me sooner and stopped jamming whatever nearby objects they had into their ears to avoid having to actually hear me out, maybe this problem wouldn’t have gotten so out of hand.

What really upsets me in all this is that the person who brought this up sees me cooking for Ivy. She sees me buy her fresh fruits and eat them with her. And, she was present when I initially voiced my concerns that I didn’t think she was being fed properly. So it just seems like another one of those “let’s grasp at straws to find ways to say you’re a shitty parent” things, but with a knife twist of using my own concern against me in spite of the fact that I’ve done my best to make sure that, in those three short visits, she gets most of her nutrients for the week.

But apparently, I’m unjustified in feeling like I’m getting fucked. That kind of behavior means I’m “paranoid,” which is “a symptom of an underlying mental health disorder.” Really? It’s also a symptom of never getting any justice, always getting treated like shit by literally everyone, always having my trust broken, being abused throughout my entire life, and plenty of other things that were done to me, not by me. I don’t think it’s paranoia to see a pattern and question it.

Especially when the last two meetings have gone the same way: “Hi, we literally have nothing bad to say about you, so we’re just going to make shit up, or take an innocuous comment you made and blow it out of proportion.” That is mental illness if I’ve ever seen it. That’s legitimate abusive behavior. Make someone else feel like shit over something random just because you feel like you have to do it, and if they haven’t done anything wrong, then you make a problem out of something innocent.

They get paid to do this. Why abuse your own friends & family when you can get a degree that allows you to do it to random people for money? The American fucking dream, right?

I am so over this. They’re not giving me my daughter back, so why do I need to take this abuse? I’ve had enough of it. If I don’t get her back either way, then I’ll just go the route that doesn’t cause me more pain and stop dancing for them.