Some things…

I have some further confessions to make, but to begin, I would like to explain some things that I hope will explain my behavior in the last… I don’t know, month at least? A lot of it could have been avoided if more people would have more faith in me when I say I know what’s best for myself, including the doctors who oversaw me and detained me at the hospital for several days.

They not only caused me to miss an important MRI that could have proved a lot of what I am saying and gotten me help sooner and not ultimately led to me racing the clock to stay alive the other day, but they also took away the substances I use to keep myself mentally healthy and safe, and replaced those with medications that have been known to cause psychosis among other really negative side effects which I will get to as I go.
Please hear me out. The details will become clear as I go.

Fact #1: Ignorance is bliss, and all geniuses are crazy. The more you know, the more horrible things you find out. The more horrible things you find out, the more upset it makes you, ergo the crazier you go. There is a reason that many geniuses throughout history as well as today have and do use substances to get by. Substances (whether naturally occurring or man made) help balance logic and emotion, which is a healthy balance to have for the importance of making clear, rational decisions.

Case in point: ESP. ESP stands for extra sensory perception. It doesn’t necessarily mean being psychic. It simply means that you have heightened senses that make you more perceptive. Geniuses have ESP, meaning that their subconscious picks up on things a lot faster than their conscious mind which often causes them to spout psycho-babble and do strange, unusual, and eccentric things which tend to alienate others, particularly the less enlightened.

(I hate using words like “genius” and “ignorant,” as they have bad connotations, so please let me just clear up what I mean when I say them, so that I can progress without sounding stuck up and arrogant. I assure you, that is the farthest thing from the truth. Genius simply means, in my opinion, someone who is enlightened, highly intelligent, and has the aforementioned ESP. Ignorance simply means a lack of knowledge and education. It does not equal stupidity. It simply equals not having access to proper education or the resources to self educate.)

Fact #2: Everyone has genius potential.

Case in point: Believe it or not, we are all already a hive mind. Everyone has their own beliefs, be them spiritual, scientific, or otherwise, that helps them realize the things they need to know. My theory is as follows:

Hivemind = God. God = the universe. The universe = an infinite loop. The hive mind (AKA God/Universe) gets incredibly bored of being just one entity. To have some fun for awhile and keep itself entertained, it decides to split itself off and start multiplying, forming galaxies, solar systems, planets, and life on earth as we know it. As this process carries on, all the tinier details (the life on earth) lose track of what they once knew, which is that they are all one, kickstarting…

Fact #3: Life itself *IS* an ARG. It is the original ARG.
An ARG is a game that takes place in the real world using real people as pawns. “Puppetmasters” are character actors who intervene with the unwitting participants to attempt to keep things under control. The way ARGs as we know them in our world as of right now are a form of manipulation used to expedite processes that lead to the desired outcomes.

Case in point: Putting people with artistic talent through a lot of emotional pain in order to get them to unlock their artistic abilities and create ideas and artworks that can be used to create media which keep the hive mind entertained.

Artists use lies to tell the truth, while politicians use lies to cover up the truth. Both are forms of manipulation. Manipulation doesn’t always have ill intent. Sometimes the hive mind is ignorant and can only be reasoned with through certain forms of manipulation, which is why I have had to do a lot of disgusting things in my own life to get people to listen to and understand me. I hate doing it because I hate when it is done to me, and so I would prefer if, going forward, the people around me would have more faith in me as a person and my abilities to judge for myself what my needs are to be the best me I can be for everyone involved.

Fact #4: Coincidences are the hive mind’s way of leaving clues for itself in order to solve the puzzle and remember the knowledge that it lost so that it can become whole again.

Case in point: Just about every form of media ever. Some good examples I can give include the movie Pontypool, certain shows such as Heroes, Heroes Reborn, Rick and Morty, Futurama, and more. If you want more details about what I’m saying, the best research you can do is just relax and watch some good TV.

Now, I would like to begin to explain my behavior with a little more detail so that I can also help clear up the misunderstandings that have ultimately led to me being deemed “mentally unstable” which, as with basically everyone on the planet currently, is also true. But the psychosis I have been exhibiting recently can be explained with a few simple facts.

Firstly, as I mentioned, I was tried on antipsychotics last year which caused a lot of problems with me both mentally and physically. They brought on psychosis in me, which led to the start of me using DXM regularly and keeping my journal and findings on DXM. Other side effects of the medication had included full body pain and neurological issues, heartburn, and more.
So.

The infection in my head from the wisdom teeth had started to cause problems with my brain and its proper function. This could have been found out sooner, as I said, if I had not been hauled to a hospital and kept against my will and ignored when I tried to explain what I knew was best for me. I missed the MRI which would have probably shown evidence of what I have been saying. They also forced me off the substances I was using to help myself be as clear and responsible as possible and maintain good sleep hygiene (DXM, Ativan, CBD) and once again, put me on antipsychotic medications which started causing more problems again.

Between the infection and the antipsychotics, I was compromised and was not doing as thorough of research as I would normally do into the medications that I was taking and their interactions. A few days ago, new research had been released to suggest that DXM may help Covid-19 incubate and grow. Given my state at the time, I had reason to suspect that that might also extend to other sorts of infections, possibly including the skull infection that I was experiencing. So, in order to try to help get rid of the skull infection, I looked up the best antibiotics for bone infections and found Cephalexin, which I happened to actually have an emergency supply of, thanks to my brother breaking his hand a while back.

But because I was already so compromised from the infection and the antipsychotics, I had temporarily forgotten the fact that antibiotics and antacids can be very dangerous if taken together. The Olanzapine and possibly also the Cephalexin had started to cause nuclear level heartburn which was only making me feel ten times worse during it all. And so without thinking, or researching, only being interested in getting rid of the pain, I ended up taking some Pepcid. This, plus the infection led to extreme dehydration that wasn’t being remedied by simply drinking water.

To make things worse, I was out of clean water and gatorade/propel in my house, and so as I struggled to continue pushing fluids constantly, I stumbled my way into the kitchen and tried frantically to remember the ingredients for electrolyte mixtures so that I could help regulate the fluid intake a bit better until I could get somewhere where I could purchase more water and some gatorade. Thankfully, even though it was extremely late at night, there was a Walgreens near us that was still open, and we were able to go in and buy those things and start getting me hydrated again. Unfortunately, since I was very ill and very weak, I had to forego sleeping to keep myself hydrating and alive until I could reach an emergency dental surgeon and have the teeth pulled. Since a lot of things were going on and I couldn’t seem to trust anyone around me for a lot of reasons that I think will become clear once Ben and I can get back together and talk privately to clear up some of the misunderstandings, Matt and I decided that it was in my best interest if we could leave home for the time being and just get me the medical attention and rest that I needed to get better.

We both missed out on a lot of sleep to be able to get me the medical attention I needed, and thankfully once the teeth were pulled, the swelling in my head started going down, and they gave me a stronger antibiotic and advised anti-inflammatories to keep the swelling down.
Unfortunately still, because of the Olanzapine, I was continuing to have psychosis that was inhibiting my clear judgement and rational thinking, and so I jumped to a lot of conclusions and made a lot of dumb choices that pissed a lot of people off as well as alienating them and preventing them from trusting me. Unfortunately, they saw fit to retaliate by hacking into my accounts and harassing me, which only fed the problem and made things worse, which in turn caused me to lose even more sleep instead of simply getting the rest I needed to start thinking clearly again and making the right choices.

A lot of things have happened in the last 72 hours. As I have become more mentally alert and gotten more rest, I have begun to finally identify the cause of a lot of these issues, and now I am thinking a lot more clearly and rationally. I have started to piece things together slowly and come up with good alternate explanations for some of the things that have gone on recently. I stopped taking the Olanzapine as it has been interfering.
Now all that’s left to do is reunite with Ben in a private setting without any more interference from third parties (including both our friends) so that the two of us can clear up misunderstandings and gain each other’s trust again in order to make the best choices for ourselves and our family, especially Ivy.

That is all that I am going to say for now until Ben and I have had the chance to discuss those things. Anything further that I could say might only serve to cause more problems for us.

https://youtu.be/2KRI9bdESDQ

https://youtu.be/UkgP0od6iSE

Look. I understand that currently, no one wants to listen to me because I sound crazy and no one trusts me. And I understand exactly why. But please hear me out.

I trust myself 100%. I know what I need and what’s best for me to be able to have the clarity and rationality to make the best decisions for everyone else. But because no one ever listens to or trusts me to know that I am smart and responsible, sometimes I have to do gross things like make fake accounts and manipulate people so that they will actually listen to me, because they only want to hear the truth from everyone but me.

I am not evil. I am not malicious. I hate being dishonest, because dishonesty disgusts me. But unfortunately, sometimes in order to do what’s best for the people you love, you have to endure a lot of pain and self-sacrifice which sometimes includes making them hate you.

I am truly sorry for the things I have had to do, and no one hates me for them more than I do. But please understand why I have had to do it. No more lies from here on out. I’m doing what I have to to make sure I’m safe, and I’m documenting everything personally on film in complete honesty to the best of my knowledge as evidence to support everything I’ve just said.

Take it or leave it, but it’s the honest to god truth, and sometimes the truth is hard to swallow. Believe me. I want more than anything for the things I know not to be true, but sadly, I know that they are. And while it hurts me to know that, I still want what’s best for everyone.

Take care.

Update: 05/08/2020 16:57

Confession #2: 05/08/2020 16:56
Edited 17:23

I know a lot of things.
I’m not an idiot.
Some of my details might be slightly off because no one will come clean and stop lying to me.
But I am a great detective, a very intelligent person, and yes, I have mental illnesses, but because of my intelligence, I am able to respond to my mental illness in ways that I know for sure make me my best self so that I can be responsible enough to make the best decisions for me, for the people I love, and for everyone involved.
They say that ignorance is bliss, and that’s pretty true. The more you know, the more things hurt. And the more things hurt, the more mentally unstable you become. I’m order for me to balance my knowledge, wisdom, and emotions, I take the medication that allows me to do that. And in order to keep myself healthy, I do other things to make sure that the medication I take does not cause harm to my body.
I am capable of self-research, and I’m good at it, and I enjoy doing it. It’s what makes me myself.
So please stop harassing me.
Please stop trying to do what YOU think is best for me.
Please trust me that I’m the only one who truly knows what’s best for me, other than the few people that I trust only second to myself.
Please understand that no one knows me better than myself.
And if you want my cooperation, you need to listen to what I say and trust me.

Confession #3 05/08/2020 17:32

There have been a metric fuck ton of misunderstandings, misconceptions, and miscommunications as of late. I know that a lot of that is my fault because I have a tendency to jump to conclusions. It’s something I’m working on. But this is why:
My brain is very perceptive. It picks up on things and makes deductions without showing its work and spits out an answer. I have to bust my ass as a detective to keep up with it and take all my evidence, lay it out on a table, examine it all, and figure out why X led to Y. 
If others would trust me more and if I could trust them, this wouldn’t be as big of a problem.
Here’s what I know:

Ben was across the street recently talking with the neighbors extremely loudly and giving away a lot of information.
I heard a lot of things.
A few nights before that, when I was listening to my spy ear, I heard Ben making sex noises.
Someone has been hacking my accounts to harass me.
I want answers. I want my list of demands met. I don’t think that I am being unreasonable. I want to cooperate.