After spending a very long time ruminating on things, reflecting back on my life and all the mistakes I made and feeling so much guilt, I first began to feel very unworthy.

But then I ended up looking back through my entire Twitter, and I noticed something that not only reassured me that I am worthy, but also really clearly illustrated the biggest difference between us.

They say that narcissists will mirror the qualities they see in you that they perceive as good. When we first met, you claimed that you were never able to let go of any guilt. You were plagued by the actions of your past and blah, blah, blah. But now I see that you were only mirroring one of my qualities.

I still feel guilt for things I did when I was a little kid, back when I was too stupid to even know better. It’s really rough to carry around all that guilt and never let go of it.

This is why I am always so adamant about getting closure about what I did wrong in friendships and relationships, so I can better myself and not make the same mistakes again. I looked back through my Twitter and found so much guilt, regret, sadness, and self-improvement.

I recognize the things I did wrong and I regret them every day. I have offered you multiple sincere apologies for the things I did, not even expecting a response, much less forgiveness or any of that.

But you have to be the victim. Like some kind of fucked up Highlander shit, There Can Be Only One! You’ve never once apologized to me for any of the horrible things you put me through and even tried to justify your actions in stupid, flimsy ways.

Between what the mystery screenshot creep has sent me and what I saw of your Twitter before you made it private, all you do is sit around and victimize yourself, hyperbolize things, talk shit about and make fun of me, and act like a selfish ass. Zero regard, much less empathy or admission, for the part you played.

I’ve spent the last year in therapy and getting help for myself, working on who I am and becoming a better version of that person. You haven’t, and it shows. My last year of tweets are very sad and saturated with grief, while yours are a bunch of self-centered bullshit, directing hatred toward me and getting your groupies who have never even met me to jump on board with you and eat up all your one-sided propaganda. I have directed no hatred toward you. Only sadness.

You’re petty. Mean. Selfish. And if none of your so-called friends haven’t picked up on it yet, they definitely will eventually.

I think that it would be in your best interest to really evaluate yourself and your actions. Actually seek help, which you can’t do until you admit you have a problem, and it’s okay to do that. There’s a man in TikTok who is a diagnosed narcissist, and is actually getting help for it. It is possible. And I know you can admit it, because you’ve done it before. I still have the letter you wrote me where you admitted it.

This is just my advice from a place of caring. For the people you may meet and hurt in the future. And if you’re any kind of decent, you will care about that, too, and seek the help that you need. It may be too late for me, but it’s not too late for them.

Think about it.

At tomorrow’s session, I finally get to start processing her and all the feelings, trauma, ptsd, etc that surrounds her.

It may take multiple sessions to completely kill it all off. But I’m okay with that as long as I finally get to destroy it. She made it extremely clear that she doesn’t care about my feelings (or our daughter’s, to be frank) and has no interest in salvaging our relationship and our family.

So I need this now. I need it so much and hopefully I can finally find peace.

The best way to avoid your smack talk getting back to the person you’re demonizing is to just not talk shit behind their fucking back.

You can’t know that you wouldn’t like me based off of some words on a screen every blue moon and a biased notion of whoever I was when I was at my worst. Don’t you get that sometimes things have to get worse before they get better?

All I wanted was loyalty, and you swore it. You swore to god, YOU SWORE ON FARON’S FUCKING GRAVE THAT YOU WOULD NEVER LEAVE ME. And look what you’ve done. You’ve dishonored him, and you continue to do so every time you call him your step son, as if you ever grew up and actually married me like you ALSO promised to do.

Imagine, in your entire life of half-assing things, I just ended up being yet another thing you started and couldn’t finish. And you dare to act like I’m the one being an asshole.

Maybe if, like, you didn’t feel the need to constantly lie about literally everything, then you wouldn’t lie yourself into a corner where your best retort is refusing to converse any further because you ran out of good backup lies.

Anyone who is smart will see the way you treat me and not want to risk going through that with you, too. So keep showing your true colors for your “nonexistent fiancé” to see.

You should feel fucking honored that I still have any capacity to care for you whatsoever. If you want me as an enemy, just remember this: once I let go of the love, it’s gone forever and is usually replaced by a stiff hatred.

So if I’m just an option you’re keeping in your back pocket for when whatever you’ve got now inevitably blows up in your face because you are incapable of being a decent human being, it will probably be too late.

You were never my option. I spent all this time patiently waiting for you. I got better. But you’re still a child. And why the legitimate fuck should a child be the one getting custody of a child, especially one he didn’t put forth all of the time, pain, sickness, and stress to bring into this world?

If you’d just been straight with me, things could’ve been so different. But if you think that I won’t fight for my daughter, you’ve made a grave mistake. She’s all I have now. And I won’t give that up without an uproar. A mighty Leo lion’s roar.

After spending the past couple of years building this blog and its followers, I unfortunately now need to take it down and burn it.

It finally happened that it was discovered by a person who has refused to take “no” for an answer for my entire adult life. She babysat me as a child, and that’s about it. And for some reason, she thinks this entitles her to having access to details about my life and will not stop tracking me down on every single social media platform to try to snoop on me, and it’s incredibly frustrating.

So I just got a message from WordPress saying she subscribed and will now get emails anytime I post.

I do not owe this woman anything. We were never in a relationship, we don’t have kids, she’s not family. Every single time I let her back into my life, she would end up having some kind of psychotic outburst on me, or just say and do really inappropriate things, like when my son was dying and she tried to say she knew exactly what I was going through because she’d miscarried, which is the equivalent of trying to sympathize with a rape victim by saying you completely understand what they’re going through because you got unsolicited dick pics before.

And after I said “Fuck this, I’ve got too much to deal with already, I’m not taking this,” she sent $100 to our GoFundMe with some passive aggressive note about how she wanted to get her hair done, but it’ll have to wait because of me. I refunded that shit so fast, and she had the gall to complain to my mom about it and demand to know what she did wrong, as if it wasn’t obvious.

That was the last time we had any sort of interaction, four years ago.

And yet, she continued to stalk my shit. I had to block her on Instagram, Facebook, etc. Take a goddamn hint.

Now, after all these years, she tracks down my fucking blog and subscribes to that, so now I have to delete it and start over, hopefully somewhere she can’t goddamn find me. So if you are a legitimate follower and have been following me for longer than the past few days, feel free to send me a message, and I’ll reach out to you whenever I find the time to get a new blog, preferably somewhere that has privacy settings.

I’m really sorry that it’s turned out this way, especially after I’ve spent so long growing this blog and sharing so much of myself with you. It’s difficult to terminate something that means so much to me, so for now, I think I’ll just make all my entries private.

But again, feel free to reach out if you are interested in continuing to follow my story.

And woman, if you send me some kind of fucked up, psychotic-ass, harassing message because of this post, take a moment and examine your actions. You sought this blog out because you can’t keep your nose out of my business. This entry wouldn’t have even been written if you hadn’t done that. It is a problem because you made it a problem by sticking your nose where it doesn’t belong. So if you dare to get pissed off at me for something you did, I will not hesitate to post your message here for everyone to see.

Good luck with your life.

Unless you’ve actually been paying attention, in which case it should come as no surprise, but…

I just discovered that my suspicions were true: I actually was drugged. Why was I not made aware of this fact much sooner? Well, your guess is as good as mine, when it comes to that question, but what changed? Well, my long-time psych left (as I have become painfully used to by now) and was replaced with a different doctor.

I don’t know what made this doctor so much more able to simply look back through my records and find the report from the hospital when I was admitted, but it was literally that easy. And he told me that a tox screen was performed and came up positive for three different substances. Only one of these did I have access to, which is my migraine pill, but as far as I can remember, I didn’t take any. And if I didn’t have the presence of mind to take the Lamictal, I doubt I would have had the cognitive awareness to take that, but I don’t know.

If someone drugged me, I wouldn’t put it past them to use something I was already taking in their little craycray cocktail.

What really irritates me about this discovery that I’ve waited so long for is just that. I have waited so long to find this out, so long, in fact, that it’s now less than a week from the court date where I’m set to lose my child. This means that I don’t have the time to get a copy of my medical records.

The doctor made it sound like it was as easy as just calling them and having a copy emailed to me. But when I called, I got transferred to an automated message telling me I’d have to download a document, fill that out, and fax it to them. I don’t have access to a fax machine, so I don’t know how I can hope to do this. Their website also says that it’ll take about a week to actually get the copy of those records once they receive my request.

So now I finally have information to prove that I was actually drugged by someone, and it probably won’t hold up in court because I don’t have a copy of the tox screen to show them. Why did it take so long to have someone give me this vital piece of information?

On a lighter note, being that I was seeing this doctor for the first time, he also did an intake assessment and said that he didn’t really think that I suffer from bipolar disorder. Just plain old anxiety and PTSD. So the caseworker who’s been using bipolar as a way to mess with me and keep me from getting my child back can eat it.

The new doctor recommended EMDR therapy, and I really hope I can get in, because I really want to try it. I’ve heard only great things, and it doesn’t have all the risks and side effects that ECT has.

I may not be able to get my daughter back, but there is hope that I might be able to get EMDR therapy. And maybe that’ll make it less painful to lose her. Or… at least help me heal more quickly.

But in all honesty, I really shouldn’t have to lose her in the first place. Because what happened was literally not my fault.

I want to speak. I want to say something. But what can I say that hasn’t already been said a thousand times? I’m hurting inside and I’m angry and I just want it to stop, but things keep getting worse. So what can I say that will be any different this time?

I could slam my fists down on the ground and weep, but would it even help at this point? Or would it just be another thing to be used against me as a weapon to ruin the rest of my life? Because in this situation, the only one whose past actions have any weight is me. Everyone else is absolved of their past, because it’s in the past, and what matters is now. Except for me.

What really grinds my gears today is that none of my concerns are valid when they’re mine. But then someone else says they have a concern and it’s a carbon copy of what I’ve been trying like hell to get across while everyone’s covering their ears and looking away. And when the concern becomes someone else’s, hold the fucking phone here, we have a crisis on our hands, and who do they blame? Me. The person who originally said “hey, I have this concern.”

I only see my daughter 3 times a week for 3 hours a pop. I expressed concerns that she wasn’t eating well, she tells me she gets fed garbage food, and she will no longer eat anything with nutritional value. All the fruits and vegetables she used to like? She won’t touch them now. Even shrimp, which she adored, now she won’t touch it. So when it’s my concern, their excuse is “well, we’ve looked in the pantry.” Big deal? That doesn’t really tell you what she’s eating.

So today, they want to bring up their concerns that they have with me, and they bring up “Well, we’re concerned about her eating properly. She doesn’t like fruits and vegetables, errrr.” Funny, I think I already said that, but okay. Make it a beef with me, never mind the fact that I’m the one who brought it up in general. Now it’s my cross to bear. Even though I only see her 3 times a week for 3 hours.

I cook her food. I cook her what I know she’ll eat while trying to make sure it’s going to have substantial nutritional value. I have cooked her my own homemade stuffed shells and manicotti so she will eat tomatoes without even realizing it. I have cooked her chicken curry with onions and rice. It’s not my fault she stopped eating healthy foods. She was eating fine when she was with the foster parents. I would literally witness her eating things like stir fry during our video calls.

It wasn’t until she was pulled out of that situation that her eating habits went south. That’s when she stopped liking fruits, vegetables, and certain proteins. If they would’ve listened to me sooner and stopped jamming whatever nearby objects they had into their ears to avoid having to actually hear me out, maybe this problem wouldn’t have gotten so out of hand.

What really upsets me in all this is that the person who brought this up sees me cooking for Ivy. She sees me buy her fresh fruits and eat them with her. And, she was present when I initially voiced my concerns that I didn’t think she was being fed properly. So it just seems like another one of those “let’s grasp at straws to find ways to say you’re a shitty parent” things, but with a knife twist of using my own concern against me in spite of the fact that I’ve done my best to make sure that, in those three short visits, she gets most of her nutrients for the week.

But apparently, I’m unjustified in feeling like I’m getting fucked. That kind of behavior means I’m “paranoid,” which is “a symptom of an underlying mental health disorder.” Really? It’s also a symptom of never getting any justice, always getting treated like shit by literally everyone, always having my trust broken, being abused throughout my entire life, and plenty of other things that were done to me, not by me. I don’t think it’s paranoia to see a pattern and question it.

Especially when the last two meetings have gone the same way: “Hi, we literally have nothing bad to say about you, so we’re just going to make shit up, or take an innocuous comment you made and blow it out of proportion.” That is mental illness if I’ve ever seen it. That’s legitimate abusive behavior. Make someone else feel like shit over something random just because you feel like you have to do it, and if they haven’t done anything wrong, then you make a problem out of something innocent.

They get paid to do this. Why abuse your own friends & family when you can get a degree that allows you to do it to random people for money? The American fucking dream, right?

I am so over this. They’re not giving me my daughter back, so why do I need to take this abuse? I’ve had enough of it. If I don’t get her back either way, then I’ll just go the route that doesn’t cause me more pain and stop dancing for them.